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Arthur Ritis
Geezer Planet's
Senior Columnist
Arthur has been filing in for
Benjamin Gay who is on medical leave.
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Tuesday,
2/14/12
My wife caught me switching the TV between a fishing show and a good porn
movie this morning. She came over to me and said "Honey, you might as well just
watch that old porn movie. You already know how to fish."
Sunday,
9/25/11
I can't believe all those years of
phone sex have finally caught up with me. I now have hearing AIDS.
Saturday,
8/20/11
On the way to a funeral home for a viewing of a friend, I reminded my
granddaughter Allison to be very quiet and respectful. And she was - right up to
the end, when she asked, "Grandpa, who's the man in the treasure chest?"
Went to one of them Starbucks places and ordered a decaf cappuccino. The guy
told me we only sell regular cappuccino. I said "Okay, I'll have one of those.
Just give me your phone number so I have somebody to talk to when I can't sleep
tonight."
Monday,
5/22/11
I hate
all this terrorist business and "If you see something , say something." What
happened to the good old days when you could look at an unattended bag on a
train or bus and think to yourself... I’m going to take that.
I was watching my wife putting some
fancy expensive cold cream on her face last night. "Why do you put that stuff on
your face anyway?" I asked. "To make myself beautiful." she said, removing the
cream with a tissue. "What's the matter... giving up?" I said. I'm in the dog
house again.
Thursday,
4/13/11
Who is your real friend? This really
works...! If you don't believe it, just try this experiment. Put your dog
and your old lady in the trunk of your car for about an hour. When you open
the trunk, which one is really happy to see you?
Monday, March 1, 2011
"I just got back from a once in a lifetime vacation. I'll tell you what -
never again."
I was
listening to the radio when I hear the weather report" A snow emergency has
been declared. You must park your cars on the odd-numbered side of the
street." So I got up, dressed and moved my car to the right side. Two days
later - the same thing. "A snow emergency has been declared - please park
your cars on the even-numbered side of the street." Again I had to get all
bundled up, go outside in the cold and find another spot. A week later they
announce that a foot of snow is coming. "This is bull shit!" I said. I'm
just gonna leave my car in the garage this time.
Friday, 02/04/11
I did my annual inventory check this morning. I stood naked in front of the
mirror and asked myself: Is it still where it's supposed to be? Does it
still look like what it's supposed to look like? and does it still work? Try
it.
Sunday, 12/05/10
Now that I'm retired, I never really know what day of the week it is
anymore. All I know is, the day the big newspaper comes, I have to dress up
and go to church.
Saturday, 11/20/10
I can't say anything to my wife without her thinking it's a criticism of her
weight. She hasn't spoken to me in two days because I asked her to "Lighten Up."
Wednesday, 11/17/10
I’m getting older now and can’t
tolerate the cold like I used to, so last year my wife and I
replaced all the windows in my house with those fancy expensive
double-panel energy efficient kind. Gotta nice tax break also.
Anyway, today I got a call from the contractor who installed them.
He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago
and I still hadn't paid for them. So, I told him just what his fast
talking sales guy Harold had told me last year when he installed
them, and I quote, “In ONE YEAR
these windows will pay for themselves!” It's been a year
now I told him. There was only silence at the other end of the line,
so I finally just hung up. Don’t mess with us seniors.
Monday, 10/25/10
Even at 102, my Grandma is confident she will live a long life.
Recently, I bought her a brand new (although off-brand) sewing
machine. She asked me, "Where is the warranty?" I replied, "What do
you care Grandma... It has a 25-year warranty!" My Grandma replied,
"How do I know the company will be in business that long?"
Saturday, 9/25/10
Lately my wife and I fight constantly. I've been so upset and
depressed, I've lost 20 pounds. My friend said to me "Arthur, if
it's that bad, why don't you leave her?" I told him "I'd like to
lose another 15 pounds first."
Thursday, 9/16/10
I'm sitting at
the breakfast table this morning when my wife says to me "I finally
realized something... for years I've been saying, I'm not a morning
person. Then I realized it has nothing to do with morning. It's
you!"
Sunday, 8/22/10
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make
their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day I went
downtown and into a shop. I was only there for about 5 minutes, and
when I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. I said
to him, "Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a
"Nazi." He glared at me and wrote another ticket for having worn
tires. So I called him a "doughnut-eating Gestapo." He finished the
second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he
wrote a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I
abused him the more tickets he wrote. Personally, I didn't care. I
came downtown on the bus, and the car that he was putting the
tickets on had a bumper sticker that said "Guliani in '08." I try to
have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important.
Saturday, 7/03/10
My wife looked at
me the other day and said "Your getting fat Arthur!" I told her I'd
like to get a second opinion. She said "Step on the scale."
Monday, 6/07/10
Why did Bernie Madoff go to prison?
To make it simple, he talked people into investing with him.
Trouble was, he didn't invest their money. As time rolled on, he
simply took the money from the new investors to pay off the old
investors. Finally, there were too many old investors and not enough money from new investors coming in to keep the
payments going. Next thing you know, Madoff is one of the most hated men in America and he is off to jail. Too few people realize this, but Madoff did to his investors what the government has
been doing to us with Social Security. When
benefits for older investors become due the politicians pay them
with money taken from younger and newer wage earners to pay us old
geezers. There is no meaningful difference between the two schemes, except that one was operated by a private individual who is
now in jail, and the other is operated by politicians who enjoy perks, privileges and status in spite of their actions.
Tuesday, 6/01/10
Last night I was sitting
on the sofa watching the TV when I heard my wife's' voice from the
kitchen. "What would you like for dinner my love; chicken, beef or
lamb?" I said, "Thank you, I'll have chicken."
She replied "You're
having soup, asshole. I was talking to the DOG."
Tuesday, 5/25/10
I passed by what looked like a nice Mexican
restaurant. There was one problem... it was closed. So I jotted down the name of
the restaurant "Lunes Cerrado" which was on the door. When I got home I told my
wife about the nice Mexican restaurant I seen and showed her the name I jotted
down. She said "You old fool, that's Spanish for 'closed on Mondays."
Tuesday, 5/04/10
My wife and I just got back from Sea World in Orlando.
Why the hell do they have a seafood restaurant there? I'm halfway through my
fish burger and I realize, Oh my gosh... I could be eating a slow learner.
Anyway, we stayed at a really nice, really fancy Hilton hotel nearby. The towels
were so thick and plush, I could hardly get my suitcase shut.
Thursday, 4/22/10
My wife and I take turns at oral sex... First she talks about it, then I talk
about it, then she talks about it again, then I...
I was really
ticked off the other night when I lost out on winning the pub
Trivia
Quiz by one
point. The question was, "Where do women mostly have curly hair?"
Apparently it's Africa.
Friday, 4/16/10
Don't you just hate weddings? I used to hate them (I'm married now) because
the old folks would always poke me and say "Arthur your next." So I started
doing the same thing to them... at funerals.
Wednesday, 4/14/10
My wife asked me, "How many women have you slept
with?" I said, "Only you, Darling - With all the others, I was awake." The
hospital visiting hours are 10 am to 4 PM.
Saturday, 4/10/10
The weather is finally starting to get a little nicer here in New
York. It's Spring Time. I'm so happy I wet my plants. I feels so nice out, I
think I'll leave it out.
Tuesday, 4/6/10
I was driving back from the grocery store today and passed this big
billboard down the road that said "Learn To Read." I laughted to myself... Who
is this sign meant for anyway? My doctor advised me to start walking
some more. I told him "You know how much my car payments are every month? "I'm
driving!" I told him.
Saturday, 4-3/10
I asked my wife what she'd like for her 80th birthday. "I'd
love to be six again," she said. So on the morning of her birthday, I got her up
bright and early and off we went to a local theme park. What a day! I put her on
every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear,
everything there was! Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park,
her head reeling and her stomach upside down. I took her to McDonald's and
ordered her a Happy Meal along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate
shake. Then, it was off to a movie - the latest Disney and what a fabulous
adventure! Finally, she wobbled home and collapsed into bed. I leaned over and
lovingly asked, "Well, honey, what was it like being six again?" One eye opened.
"I meant my dress size you old idiot." I'm in the dog house again.
Wednesday,
3/31/10
You know all that Social Security they keep taking out of your
paycheck? Guess what... It's going to me every month. I'm going to start a new
senior citizen consulting firm... I'm going to call it Fishmore & Dolittle.
Retirement is so great. I just love being my own boss. Coming honey.
Tuesday,
3/30/10
My wife and I just recently celebrated our 50th wedding
anniversary. She still has that new wife smell. Yesterday is history.
Tomorrow is a mystery. And today? Today is a gift. That's why we call it the
present. One more for ya.... There are three ingredients in the good life:
learning, earning, and yearning. I'm adding a fourth, sleeping. It don't
rhyme but who it's important.
Saturday,
3/27/10
Here's a funny story... The other night I was out with the guys. I told my wife
that I would be home by midnight... "I promise!" Well, the hours passed quickly
and the beer was going down way too easy. At 3 am, drunk as a skunk, I headed
for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and
cuckooed three times. I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9
times. I was really proud of myself for having such a rapid, witty solution,
even though I was smashed. The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in,
and I told her 12 o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. I got away with
that one, I thought! Then she told me we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked
her why she said, "Well, last night it cuckooed 3 times, then said, 'Oh crap,'
cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled,
cuckooed twice more, and then farted." Have a nice weekend.
Friday,
3/26/10
I've always been afraid of getting
into trouble. I've been like that for as long as I can remember. I remember when
I was 16, trying to get into an R-rated movie. My heart would just be freaking
out. Then, when I turned 20, and I was trying to buy beer... It was like the
same thing. The last time it happened was when I was 54, and I was at the IHOP
and tried to get that senior citizen's discount? What's going to be my next
fear?
Wednesday,
3/24/10
I remember when I was a kid, whenever my mother played the piano, our pet poodle
would sing along... in an earsplitting howl. Me and my brother would laugh, but
after a while, my dad couldn't take it any longer. I remember him saying "For
Pete's sake, play something the dog doesn't know."
Monday,
3/22/10
I went to old Doc Weiser for my annual check-up today. He asked me if there was
anything bothering
me. "Actually, doc,
there is,"
I said. "I
seem to be getting
very forgetful. I can
never remember where
I've parked my car,
where I'm going,
what I'm supposed to
do once when I get
there. Is there
anything I can do?" "Yes, there is
one thing," he said.
"What's that, doc?" "You can pay me in
advance!"
Friday,
3/19/10
An Inspiring story about an old donkey - One day a farmer’s donkey
fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried
to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was too old, and the
well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn’t worth it to retrieve the old
donkey. He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed
a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized
what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone’s amazement he quieted
down. A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was
astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the
donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up. As
the farmer’s neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would
shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the old
donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!
Wednesday,
3/17/10
Not many people know that I'm a kleptomaniac. I'm not proud of it but when it
gets really bad, I take something for it. I'm so glad I'm retired now. I
didn't mind going to work everyday, but that 8 hour wait to go home was a real
bitch.
Monday,
3/15/10
My wife and I decided to go sightseeing across the border in Tijuana, Mexico
last weekend. While we were there, we went shopping and my wife bought a clay
kitchenware pot. As we crossed back into the United States, a customs official
asked if we had anything of value to report. "Not really," my wife said, digging
in her bag for the bean crock she just bought. "I only bought a little pot." You
should have seen the look on his face.
Saturday,
3/13/10
Here's some advice for all my readers... Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a
shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a
hanger. Next morning buy it back for a buck.
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for
marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
I was in the express lane at the supermarket today and a woman
slipped ahead of me pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Pissed me off.
Imagine my delight when the cashier told the woman to come forward, looked into
her cart and asked sweetly, 'So which six items would you like to buy?'. Made my
day.
Thursday,
3/11/10
I remember proposing to my wife. I got down on my knees and told her there were
two things I would like to ask her. She replied, "OK." I said, "Will you marry
me?" She replied, "Of course Arthur," then she asked me what my second question
was. I replied, "Will you help me up?" As I get older, there are only three
ways I wear my hair now... parted, unparted, and departed.
Tuesday,
3/9/10
I got separated from my wife at the mall today so I approached a very beautiful
young gal and said, "I've lost my wife here in the mall... can you talk to me
for a couple of minutes?" The woman looked puzzled and said, "Why do you want to
talk to me?" "Because every time I talk to a
beautiful young woman like you, my wife appears out of nowhere!"
Monday,
3/8/10
My grandson came over to me today and asked me, "Grandpa, why don't chicken
breasts have nipples?" I scratched my head and thought, "Well honestly son...
beats the shit out of me!" Can anyone help me out there. I'm clueless. While
we're on the subject of chicken anatomy, exactly what part of the chicken do the
nuggets come from? Hope it isn't what I think 'cause I really enjoy those little
things.
Friday,
3/5/10
I learned today that there is a way of transferring funds that is even faster
than electronic banking. It's called marriage. My wife and I were lying in bed
last night. I was feeling a little frisky so I ran my hands slowly across her
body. I whispered to her, "I'm gonna make you the happiest woman in the world."
She whispered back to me, "I'll miss you." Have a nice weekend.
Thursday,
3/4/10
Have you seen the Prune Juice sitcom comic strip yet?
Coincidentally, its lead character is
named Arthur. He's sly... grouchy... cynical, and these are his
good points. Actually
there is a loving side to Arthur... loving golf, loving fishing, and loving a
good cigar!
Visit Prune Juice Comics.
Tuesday,
3/2/10
Some thoughts for today - When I was younger I used to go "Skinny Dipping," now
I just take what I call a "Chunky Dunk." When I signed up for exercise class
last week I was told to wear loose fitting clothing. I told them that if I had
any loose fitting clothes I wouldn't have signed up in the first place. And my
final thought for today... Brain cells come and go, but fat cells seem to live
forever.
Monday,
3/1/10
I've often been asked, 'What do you do now that you're retired?' Well.. I'm
fortunate enough to have a chemical engineering background, and one of the
things I really enjoy most is turning beer, wine, Scotch, and manhattans into
urine. And I'm pretty damn good at it, too!!
Friday,
2/26/10
Sorry, I forgot to go to work yesterday. Some
people try to turn back their body's odometers. Not me, I want people to know
"why" I look this way. I've traveled a long long way and some of those roads
weren't always paved. If anyone tell you you look old... squash their toes with
your rocker! ■ My grandson told me today that I was so bald it
looks like my neck is blowing a bubble. Have a nice weekend foks.
Wednesday, 2/24/10
I have no respect for gangs today. They just drive
by and shoot people. At least back in the old days, like in West Side Story, the
gangs used to dance with each other first.
Tuesday, 2/23/10
I just received a jury-duty notice in the mail this
morning so I called the clerk's office and told them that because I was 80 years
old I was exempt. The guy that answered the call said... "Well, you have to come
in and fill out an Exemption Form anyway." "I've already done that last year," I
said to him. "Well, you have to do it every year" he shot back. "Why... do you
think I am getting younger?" I told him.
Saturday, 2/20/10
Last week I bought my wife a nice mood ring for her birthday. When she's in a
good mood it turns green. When she's in a bad mood, it leaves a red mark on my
forehead. ■
I've learned the most effective way to remember
your wife's birthday... is to forget it once. Have a nice weekend.
Thursday, 2/18/10
I finally went to the gym today. After I changed into my clothes, I went to the
exercise area. Along one wall I noticed a silver bar that was not in use, and
decided to try my hand at chin-ups. I managed to strain through two chin-ups
before the instructor came over to me. Smiling politely, he said, "Mr. Ritis, if you want to let go of the coat
rack and follow me, I'll be glad to help you get started."
That
wouldn't have happened if it were winter time.
Wednesday, 2/17/10
Almost got in big trouble yesterday. My wife went through my checkbook and saw
my entry for "$100 for hookers." She said "Have you been buying more fishing
equipment again?" ■
I joined a health club last
month. I spent about 400 bucks. Ya know something, I haven't lost a pound... Apparently you have to go there
to.
Monday, 2/15/10
My wife can never balance her checkbook, so I made a deal with her; I would look at it, but only
after she had spent a few hours trying to wrestle it into shape. The
following night, after spending hours poring over stubs and figures, she
said to me proudly, "Arthur... I've done it! I made it balance!" I was impressed, I came
over to take a look. "Let's see... mortgage 550.00, electricity 70.50,
phone 35.00." My brow wrinkled as I read the last entry. "It says here
ESP, $615. What the heck is that?" I said to her "Oh," she said, "That means, Error
Some Place!" Gotta love 'em.
Saturday, 2/13/10
I forgot to mention that I went to doc Weiser for my annual physical last week.
While listening to my
heart with his stethoscope, he muttered
to me, "Uh, oh!" "What is it doctor," I said. "Well, did you know
you have a
serious heart murmur. Do you
smoke?" he asked. "Nope, never have,"
I said. "Do you drink excessively?" "Nope, never touch the
stuff," I told him. "What
about sex? Do you have a sex life?" "Yes, I do!" I said nervously. "Well,"
he said, "I'm
afraid that with this heart
murmur, you're going to have to
give up half of your sex life." "Which half would that be,
doctor ... the thinking or the
looking?" ■ Have a
great weekend everyone.
Friday, 2/12/10
TGIF. "When did we get old?" I said to my wife last night. "It seems like just
yesterday we used to dance all night, now I get tired playing scrabble. I used
to be pretty hip, now I have a bum hip. I used to have a great memory, now I
can't remember what I had for dinner last night... What did we have for dinner
last night honey?" She said, "When were you ever HIP? ■ I read in the
paper that men who make love twice a week live 12 years longer than men who are
celibate. I told my wife "You're trying to kill me aren't you?"
Thursday, 2/11/10
I went to the doctor today because I wasn't feeling well. After old Doc
Weiser examined me he wrote me three prescriptions. He said, "Arthur, I
want you to take one of the blue pills with a large glass of water when
you wake up in the morning. After lunch, take one of the red
pills with a large glass of water. Then, just before
going to bed, take one of the green pills with a large glass of
water." "Holy shit doc, that sure is a lot of medication,"
I said... "What the hell is wrong with me?" "You aren't drinking enough water
Arthur!" He's great isn't he?
Wednesday, 2/10/10
I've been really constipated the last few days. My wife asked me if I
have done anything about it. I said "Yeah, I sit in the bathroom for about half
an hour every night trying to take go." She said, "No, I mean are you taking
anything?" I said "Of course, I bring the AARP magazine with me." ■ There's actually a movie called "Constipation"
but it hasn't come out yet. Groan.
■ If you enjoy my column, please
pass it on to a friend.
Tuesday, 2/09/10
I
guess you noticed I'm bald - well, balding. I like to say "balding" because
it sounds more productive. I don't like to say I'm losing my hair, because that
makes it sound like had I been more responsible, this wouldn't have happened.
"Where's your hair?" I lost it. You know me... Where are my keys?"
■
Technically speaking
I'm “follicly challenged,” but I just
like to tell everyone
I'm not losing my hair, I'm getting more head.
Monday, 2/08/10
I was at the my favorite restaurant last night. I asked the waitress...
"About this salmon entree... is it a steak or fillet?" She said "Neither, it's a
fish." Smartass. I used some of my 41 cent Forever Stamps last week to pay some
bills and got hit with some late charges. Seems it takes Forever to get there.
One final note. One of my neighbors died last week. He was not well loved I
might mention and I was amazed to see how many people showed up at his funeral.
As P.T. Barnum said, "Give the people what they want and they'll come."
Saturday, 2/05/10
I was at Kennedy airport the other day waiting
for my grandkids when I noticed a shop selling luggage. "Who the hell forgets
their suitcase? I was just thinking back to my first job at Bohack's Supermarket
as a stock boy. They told me I would get two weeks paid vacation. I couldn't
wait to find out where they were going to send me. I wasn't the brightest crayon
in the box. People always ask me what the secret to a happy marriage is. I
always say "Never go to sleep angry." That's my philosophy... and the longest
I've been been awake so far is five days. Have a nice weekend folks.
Friday, 2/04/10:
Someone stole my wallet last week and started
using my Amex card, but I didn't report it to the credit card company. Guess
what? turns out the thief spends less money than my wife does. It's a win win
situation for me. Speaking of my wife, we always hold hands when we're together.
If I happen to let go, she goes shopping. Editor's note: Only pissed twice last
night.
Thursday, 2/03/10:
I went to see my doctor today because I had an earache. He asked me "What ear?"
I said "2010 why?" Dear Lord,
Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to
tell the difference.
Wednesday, 2/03/10:
Someone from the cemetery called me today to verify information about my
preplanned funeral and burial arrangements. After writing everything down, the
gal at the cemetery assured me that's all she needed and said "You're good to go
Mr. Ritis." I was riding the escalator in Macy's this morning and clumsy me
tripped. You know I fell down those darn stairs for almost an hour and a half.
Tuesday, 2/02/10:
I applied for my first passport today. I was told I would need a birth
certificate, but my birth had never been officially registered. When I explained
my dilemma to the passport agent he said, "It's all right Mr. Ritis, just bring
a notarized affidavit from the doctor who delivered you. I haven't been feeling
too good lately so I went to see Dr. Weiser. After examining me he said,
"Arthur... which do you want first, the good news or the bad news?" I said,
"Give me the good news first doc" He said, "You're about to have a disease named
after you."
Monday, 2/01/10:
I don't see what all the fuss is about same sex marriages? I've been married to
my wife for 50 years and we always have the same sex. I love you honey. I call
her honey all the time because honestly, I forgot her name about 6 years ago.
Saturday, 1/30/10:
Here are some of my observations on growing older: When people say you look
"great" they always add "for your age!" I now sleep better in my lounge chair
with the TV blaring than I do in bed. I seem to be using more four letter words
these days... "what?" "when? and I noticed everybody is always whispering to me.
But old is good... old songs, old movies and old friends. Have a good weekend?
Friday, 1/29/10:
Yesterday was by 89th birthday. My beautiful and thoughtful wife
surprised me with an SUV. No, it wasn't a Cadillac Escalade... it was Socks,
Underwear and Viagra. Last night I tried the Viagra. I don't need it for sex, I
just want Mr. Happy to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes. Here's a
Viagra joke I heard while we're on the subject... One morning, two 80-year-old
men sat talking about the weather and the latest in medical science and such,
when one brings up the latest male medical miracle, Viagra. The other elderly
man isn't familiar with Viagra and asks the first man what is it for. The first
man says, "It's the greatest thing I've ever known. The Fountain of Youth! Makes
you feel like a man of thirty." The second man then asks, "Can you get it over
the counter? You probably could, if you took two pills," replies the first man.
Thursday, 1/28/10:
There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time
to look for it. For example, I'm sitting here right now thinking how nice
it is that wrinkles don't hurt. And when I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It
makes the neighbor's dog that barks all the freakin' time run to the end of his
chain and gag himself. I hate that dog. I got into another argument with my wife
tonight. She asked me if I wanted dinner? I said "Sure, what are my choices?"
She said "Yes or No!"
Wednesday, 1/27/10:
This morning my wife asked me "What do you like most in me... my pretty face or
my sexy body?" I looked at her from head to toe and replied, "I like your sense
of humor honey."
I was going through some important papers later in the afternoon and I came
across our marriage certificate. My wife caught me and said "What are you
doing?" I said "Nothing." "Nothing?" You've been reading our marriage
certificate for an hour now." I said "I was looking for the expiration date."
The swelling in my right eye is starting to come down a little this evening.
Tuesday, 1/26/10:
I was at the doctor's office yesterday and he said to me "You are in great shape
for your age Arthur, but tell me, do you still have intercourse?" "Just a minute
doc, I'll have to ask my wife," I went out to the reception room and said:
"Honey do we still have Intercourse?" she said "If I told you once, I told you a
thousand times... We have
Blue Cross! I love my wife. What's the secret to our
long marriage?
Two
times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little wine, some good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
Every now and then we also have a "Getaway Weekend." She'll be back first thing
Monday morning.
Monday, 1/25/10:
I love my grandson Mikey but the little tike can act
up every now and then. I found the best way to discipline him is to just take
the child for a little car ride in the country and talk. That usually calms him
down and he usually stops misbehaving after that.
Picture attached.
Sunday, 1/24/10:
I was sitting on my porch this morning and a motorist pulled up in front of
my house for directions and asked me, "How do you get into town old man?" I said
"Usually my son takes me." He muttered something than drove off. Hope he's still
drivin' around.
I have this crazy theory that chocolate slows down the aging process. I may be
wrong, but do I dare take a chance? lol.
Saturday, 1/23/10:
I love to walk. I have to walk early in
the morning though, before my brain figures out what the hell I'm doing.
I really try to
exercise every day so when I die, people
will say, "Well, he looks pretty good doesn't he."
Friday, 1/22/10:
Even at age 88, my mother was vain about
her looks.
At a party, an old friend exclaimed, "Betty, you haven't changed in 20
years." "Oh," said my Mom, horrified. "I hope I didn't look like this 20
years ago." Miss you mom.
Wednesday, 1/20/10:
I was in my favorite restaurant
yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass some gas... The
music was really, really loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music...
After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, and
noticed that everybody was staring at me... Then I suddenly remembered that I
was listening to that damn iPod my son gave me. Senior Moment.
Wednesday, 1/13/10:
Sorry to report that me and the Mrs. had
heated words last night. I didn't get a chance to use mine. lol.
It was my fault though. She asked me "What's on the TV?" and
I said "Dust!"
I was fishing with my
friend Bob the other day and he says to me, "I think I'm going to divorce my
wife. She hasn't spoken to me in over two months now." I kept sipping my beer
then told him "You'd really better think it over, Bob. A good women like that is
hard to find."
Tuesday, 1/12/10:
MapQuest really needs to start their
directions on #5. I may be old, but I'm pretty sure I know how the hell to get out of my
neighborhood.
Monday, 1/11/10:
Now that I am older, my cardiologist, Dr. Weiser, advised me to watch my diet.
Now I avoid eating healthy natural foods because I read somewhere that most people die of
natural causes. I'll have a double Whopper now please!
Friday, 1/08/10:
Do you remember when you were a kid,
playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it
and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how
did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards
or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.
Wednesday, 1/06/10:
I like reading the obit pages. Wouldn't
obituaries be a lot more interesting though if they told you how the person
died?.
Tuesday, 1/05/10:
Was watching the telly today and Dr. Phil
proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have
started and have never finished." So, I looked around my house to see all the
things I started and hadn't finished, and last night I finished off a bottle of
Merlot, a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a bottle
of Kahlua, a package of Oreos and the remainder of my old Prozac prescription.
You have no idea how FREAKING GOOD I feel today. |
