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Week of January 25th

Senior Chat
Sunday, 12/05/10
Now that I'm retired, I never really know what day of the week it is anymore. All I know is, the day the big newspaper comes, I have to dress up and go to church.

Saturday, 11/20/10
I can't say anything to my wife without her thinking it's a criticism of her weight. She hasn't spoken to me in two days because I asked her to "Lighten Up."

Wednesday, 11/17/10
I’m getting older now and can’t tolerate the cold like I used to, so last year my wife and I replaced all the windows in my house with those fancy expensive double-panel energy efficient kind. Gotta nice tax break also. Anyway, today I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy Harold had told me last year when he installed them, and I quote, “In ONE YEAR these windows will pay for themselves!” It's been a year now I told him. There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. Don’t mess with us seniors.

Monday, 10/25/10
Even at 102, my Grandmother is confident she will live a long life. Recently, I bought her a brand new (although off-brand) sewing machine. She asked me, "Where is the warranty?" I replied, "What do you care Grandma... It has a 25-year warranty!" My Grandma replied, "How do I know the company will be in business that long?"

Saturday, 9/25/10
Lately my wife and I fight constantly. I've been so upset and depressed, I've lost 20 pounds. My friend said to me "Arthur, if it's that bad, why don't you leave her?" I told him "I'd like to lose another 15 pounds first."

Thursday, 9/16/10
I'm sitting at the breakfast table this morning when my wife says to me "I finally realized something... for years I've been saying, I'm not a morning person. Then I realized it has nothing to do with morning. It's you!"


Sunday, 8/22/10
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day I went downtown and into a shop. I was only there for about 5 minutes, and when I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. I said to him, "Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a "Nazi." He glared at me and wrote another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him a "doughnut-eating Gestapo." He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he wrote a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him the more tickets he wrote. Personally, I didn't care. I came downtown on the bus, and the car that he was putting the tickets on had a bumper sticker that said "Guliani in '08." I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important.

Saturday, 7/03/10
My wife looked at me the other day and said "Your getting fat Arthur!" I told her I'd like to get a second opinion. She said "Step on the scale."

Monday, 6/07/10
Why did Bernie Madoff go to prison?  To make it simple, he talked people into investing with him.  Trouble was, he didn't invest their money.  As time rolled on, he simply took the money from the new investors to pay off the old investors. Finally, there were too many old investors and not enough money from new investors coming in to keep the payments going.  Next thing you know, Madoff is one of the most hated men in America and he is off to jail. Too few people realize this, but Madoff did to his investors what the government has been doing to us with Social Security.
When benefits for older investors become due the politicians pay them with money taken from younger and newer wage earners to pay us old geezers. There is no meaningful difference between the two schemes, except that one was operated by a private individual who is now in jail, and the other is operated by politicians who enjoy perks, privileges and status in spite of their actions.

Tuesday, 6/01/10
Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching the TV when I heard my wife's' voice from the kitchen. What would you like for dinner my love? chicken, beef or lamb? I said, Thank you, I'll have chicken." She replied, "You're having soup, asshole. I was talking to the DOG."

Tuesday, 5/25/10
I passed by what looked like a nice Mexican restaurant. There was one problem... it was closed. So I jotted down the name of the restaurant "Lunes Cerrado" which was on the door. When I got home I told my wife about the nice Mexican restaurant I seen and showed her the name I jotted down. She said "You old fool, that's Spanish for 'closed on Mondays."

Tuesday, 5/04/10
My wife and I just got back from Sea World in Orlando. Why the hell do they have a seafood restaurant there? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my gosh... I could be eating a slow learner. Anyway, we stayed at a really nice, really fancy Hilton hotel nearby. The towels there were so thick and plush, I could hardly get my suitcase shut.

Thursday, 4/22/10
My wife and I take turns at oral sex... First she talks about it, then I talk about it, then she talks about it again, then I... I was really ticked off the other night when I lost out on winning the pub Trivia Quiz by one point. The question was, "Where do women mostly have curly hair?" Apparently it's Africa.

Friday, 4/16/10
Don't you just hate weddings? I used to hate them (I'm married now) because the old folks would always poke me and say "Arthur your next." So I started doing the same thing to them... at funerals.

Wednesday, 4/14/10
My wife asked me, "How many women have you slept with?" I said, "Only you, Darling - With all the others, I was awake."  The hospital visiting hours are 10 am to 4 PM.