April 13, 2013
Rehab Pools for Senior Citizens
141. Feeling a little lonely
Last week Miss Smith checked into a motel on her 70th
birthday and she was a bit lonely. She thought, "I'll call one of
those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual
massages." She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad
for a guy calling himself Tender Tony - a very handsome man with
assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right
muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful
legs, a dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she
could bounce a sixpence off his well oiled bum... She figured, what
the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call. "Good
evening, ma'am, how may I help you?..." Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy!
Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right
in, "Hi, I saw your ad in the yellow pages and understand you give a
great massage. I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me
one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone
and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now.
Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've
got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me
up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and
everything. I'm ready!! Now how does that sound?" He said, "That
sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to dial “9” for an outside
line Miss Smith."
140. Why sharks circle before attacking
Two great white sharks swimming in
the ocean spotted survivors of a ship that had just sunk. "Follow me
son" the older father shark said to the son shark and they swam to
the mass of people. "First we swim around them a few times with just
the tip of our fins showing." And they did. "Well done, son! Now we
swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they
did. "Now we eat everybody." And they did. When they were both
gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at
first? Why did we swim around and around them?" His wise old father
replied, "Because they taste better without the shit inside!"
139. One Size Fits All
An elderly couple were enjoying the evening by swinging on the front
porch and looking at the beautiful sunset. After a few minutes the ol' lady reaches over and knocks the hell out of the ol' man who goes
flying off the porch and into the bushes. The ol' man slowly gets up and
makes his way back to his seat next to his wife on the swing. He
sits there for a few minutes and then asks, "What was that for Ma?"
She replies: "That's for having such a small dick!" A few more minutes go by and
the ol' man reaches over and knocks the hell out of his wife, who
also goes flying off the porch and into the bushes. She slowly gets up and makes
her way back to her seat next to Pa. She sits here a few minutes and
then asks, "What was that for Pa?" He replies: "That's for knowing
there was more than one size.
An old married couple is lying in bed
one night. The wife is curled up, ready to go to sleep, and the husband
turns his bed lamp on to read a book. As he’s reading, he periodically
reaches over to his wife and fondles her special area. He does this a few
times, but only for a very short interval before returning to read his book.
The wife gradually becomes more and more aroused assuming that her husband
is seeking some encouragement she gets up and starts stripping in front of
him. The husband is confused and asks, “Why are you taking off your
clothes?” His wife replies, “You were rubbing me downtown. I thought it was
foreplay.” The husband says, “No, not at all.” His wife asks angrily, “Well,
what the hell were you doing then?” “I was just wetting my finger so I could
turn the pages.”
137. The Old Blind Man
An old blind man was describing his favorite sport -
parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were
all done for him: I am placed in the door and told when to jump. My hand is
placed on my release ring for me, and out I go. "But how do you know when
you are going to land?" he was asked. "Well, I have a very keen sense of
smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the
ground", he answered. "But how do you know when to lift your legs for the
final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked. He quickly answered, "Oh
that? The dog's leash goes slack!"
136. The European Monastery
There is a story about a monastery in Europe perched high on
a cliff several hundred feet in the air. The only way to reach the monastery
was to be suspended in a basket which was pulled to the top by several old
monks who pulled and tugged with all their strength. Obviously the ride up
the steep cliff in that basket was terrifying. One tourist got exceedingly
nervous about half-way up as he noticed that the rope by which he was
suspended was old and frayed. With a trembling voice he asked the monk who
was riding with him in the basket how often they changed the rope. The monk
thought for a moment and answered brusquely, "Whenever it breaks."
135. Rufus and Clarence
There were two old geezers living in the backwoods of the
Ozarks.... Rufus and Clarence. They lived on opposite sides of the river and
they hated each other. Every morning, just after sun-up, Rufus and Clarence
would go down to their respective sides of the river and yell at each other.
"Rufus!!" Clarence would shout. "You better thank yor lucky stars I cain't
swim... er I'd swim this river and whup your ass!!" "Clarence!!!" Rufus
would holler back. "Ya’ll better thank your lucky stars that I cain't swim
either or I'd swim this river and whup your skinny butt!!!" This happened
every morning for twenty years. One day the Army Corps of Engineers comes
along and build a bridge. Still, every morning, every day for another five
years this yelling across the river goes on, even with the bridge. Finally,
Mrs.Rufus had had enough. "Rufus!" she squallers one day. "I cain't take no
more!! Every day for 25 years you've been threatenin' to whup Clarence’s
ass. Well, there's the bridge... go git em." Rufus thought for a moment,
chewed his bottom lip for another moment. "Woman!" he declared, snapping his
suspenders into place, "I'm gonna cross that thar bridge and I'm gonna whup
Clarence's ass!!!" He walked out the door, down to the river, along the
riverbank, came to the bridge, stepped up onto the bridge, walked about
halfway over the bridge, looked up... turned tail and ran screaming back to
the house, slammed the door, bolted the windows, grabbed the shotgun and
dove under the bed!! "Rufus!" cried the misses. "I thought you wuz gonna
whup Clarence's butt!!!" "I was, woman, I was!!" he whispered. "Rufus!"
cried the misses. "What in tarnation is the matter?" "Well," muttered the
terror-stricken Rufus, " I went to the bridge... I stepped up on the
bridge... walked halfway over the bridge… looked up..." "And?" asked Mrs.
Rufus, breathless with suspense. "And," continued Rufus, "I sawed a sign
that said "Clearance, 13 feet, 6 inches." He ain't never looked that big
from the other side of the river!"
134. The European Monastery
There is a story about a monastery in Europe perched high on
a cliff several hundred feet in the air. The only way to reach the monastery
was to be suspended in a basket which was pulled to the top by several old
monks who pulled and tugged with all their strength. Obviously the ride up
the steep cliff in that basket was terrifying. One tourist got exceedingly
nervous about half-way up as he noticed that the rope by which he was
suspended was old and frayed. With a trembling voice he asked the monk who
was riding with him in the basket how often they changed the rope. The monk
thought for a moment and answered brusquely, "Whenever it breaks."
133. Experimental pills
A middle age woman walks into her sex therapists office and
tells her that her husband is not a very good lover, and they never have sex
anymore, and asks what to do about it. The therapist tells her that she has
an experimental drug that might do the trick. She tells the woman to give
her husband one pill that night and come back in the morning and tell her
what happened. The next day, the woman comes in ecstatic telling the
therapist that the pill worked and she and her husband had the best sex
ever. She asks her therapist what would happen if she gave her husband two
pills and the therapist says she doesn’t know, but to go ahead and try it.
The next day, the same thing happens, the woman comes in telling the
therapist that the sex was even better than the night before and what would
happen if she gave him five pills. The therapist says she doesn’t know, but
to go ahead and try it. The next day, the woman comes in limp but happy, and
tells the therapist that the sex just keeps getting better and what would
happen if she gave her husband the rest of the bottle. The therapist says
she doesn’t know; it’s an experimental drug and she doesn't know what a full
bottle could do to a person. Anyway, the woman leaves the therapists office
and put the rest of the bottle of pills in the husband’s morning coffee. A
week later, a boy walks into the therapist’s office and says: "Are you the
idiot who gave my mother a bottle of experimental pills?" "Why, yes, young
man, I did. Why?" "Well, moms dead, my sisters pregnant, my ass hurts, and
dads sittin' in the corner going "Here, kitty, kitty, kitty..."
132. Cosmetic Surgery
Mildred and Harriet were having a quiet lunch together, and
discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery in their golden years. Mildred
said, “I need to be honest with you Harriet, I’m thinking about getting a
boob job done.” Harriet responded, “Oh, that’s nothing Mildred. I’m thinking
of having my asshole bleached!” “Whoa!” replied Mildred, "That's insane... I
just can’t picture your husband George as a blonde!”
131. The Italian Grandmother
An Italian grandmother is giving directions to her grown
grandson who is coming to visit with his wife. "You comma to da front door
of the apartmenta. I am inna apartmenta 301. There issa bigga panel atta the
front door. Witha you elbow, you pusha da numba 301. I will buzza you in.
Comma inside, the elevator is onna the right. Get inna and witta you elbow,
you pusha numba 3. When you getta out, Imma onna the left. Witha you elbow,
ringa my doorbell." "Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all
these buttons with my elbow? "What!!... You betta no be comin here a empty
The Biker Bar
A drunken old man walks into a rough biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders
a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets
up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the
face and says: "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the
hallway buck naked. Man I tell you, she is one fine looking piece of ass!" The
biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he
is one bad ass biker and would fight at the drop of a hat. The old drunk leans
on the table again and says: "I got it on with your grandma boy and she is
really good, the best I ever had!" The biker's buddies are starting to get
really mad but the biker still says nothing. The drunk leans on the table one
more time and says, "I'll tell you something else boy, your grandma liked it!"
At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him
square in the eyes and says... "Grandpa, Go home, you're drunk."
Shot 6 Times In The Back
night, an elderly woman from Houston, Texas was arrested, jailed,
and charged with manslaughter for shooting a man 6 times in the back
as he was running away with her purse. The following Monday morning,
the old lady was called in front of the arraignment judge, sworn in,
and asked to explain her actions. The woman replied, "Your Honor, I
was standing at the corner bus stop for about 15 minutes, waiting
for the bus to take me home. I had just cashed my social security
check at the bank earlier in the day. I was there alone, so I had my
right hand on my pistol that my late husband gave me for protection,
that was in my purse, that was hung over my left shoulder. All of a
sudden I was being spun around hard to my left. As I caught my
balance, I saw a man running away from me with my purse. I looked
down at my right hand and I saw that my fingers were wrapped tightly
around my pistol. The next thing I remember is saying out loud, "No
way punk! You're not stealing my money." "I raised my right shaking
hand, pointed my pistol at the man running away from me with my
purse, and squeezed the trigger of my pistol 6 times!" When asked by
the arraignment judge, "Why did you shoot the man 6 times?" The
woman replied, under oath, "Because, when I pulled the trigger the
7th time, it only went click." The woman was acquitted of all
charges. Don't mess with old folks ya hear.
A Cow, An Ant and an Old Fart
A Cow, an Ant and an Old Fart are debating on who is the greatest of
the three of them. The Cow Says: "I give 20 liters of milk every day
and that's why I am the greatest!!" The Ant says "I work day and
night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and
that's why I am the greatest!!"
your turn to say something...
The Insemination Man is coming
Mary, a blonde city girl, marries an older New Zealand dairy farmer.
One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, old farmer John
says to Mary, 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one
of our cows today. I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above the
cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets
So then the farmer leaves for the fields. After a while, the
artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.
Mary takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and
when she sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one... right
here.' Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be
another ditzy old blonde gal, the man asks, 'Tell me lady, how did
you know this is the cow to be bred?'
That's simple. By the nail over its stall', Mary explains very
confidently. Then the man asks, 'What's the nail for?' She turns and
walks away, and with complete confidence, says,
'I guess it's to hang your trousers on.'
married couple is lying in bed one night. The wife is curled up,
ready to go to sleep, and the husband turns his bed lamp on to
read a book. As he’s reading, he periodically reaches over to
his wife and fondles her special area. He does this a few times,
but only for a very short interval before returning to read his
book. The wife gradually becomes more and more aroused assuming
that her husband is seeking some encouragement she gets up and
starts stripping in front of him. The husband is confused and
asks, “Why are you taking off your clothes?” His wife replies,
“You were rubbing me downtown. I thought it was foreplay.” The
husband says, “No, not at all.” His wife asks angrily, “Well,
what the hell were you doing then?” “I was just wetting my
finger so I could turn the pages.”
125. The Sierra Club
and the U.S. Forest Service were presenting an alternative
to the Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population. It seems that
after years of the ranchers using the tried and true method of shooting or
trapping the predators, the Sierra Club had a "more humane" solution to this
issue. What they were proposing was for the animals to be captured alive. The
males would then be castrated and let loose again. This was ACTUALLY proposed by
the Sierra Club and by the U.S. Forest Service. All of the ranchers thought
about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes. Finally an old fellow wearing a
big cowboy hat in the back of the conference room stood up, tipped his hat back
and said; "Son, I don't think you understand our problem here... these coyotes
ain't fuckin' our sheep... they're eatin' 'em!" The meeting never really got
back to order. . .
Paddy & Mick, two retired old geezers, flew to Canada for an adventure. They
chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies for a week of hunting
moose. They managed to bag a total of 6. Loading the plane to return, the pilot
said the plane could take only 4 moose. The two old timers objected strongly.
"Last year we shot 6. The pilot let us take them all, and he had exactly the
same plane as yours." Reluctantly the pilot gave in and all 6 were loaded. The
plane took off. However while attempting to cross some mountains, even on full
power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down. Miraculously,
surrounded by moose bodies, Paddy and Mick survived the crash. Climbing out of
the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick," Any idea where we are?" Mick replied, " I think
we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."
123. The Wise
A young guy with a great built found himself unemployed... But he had to pay the
rent, buy food and pay bills... so he decided to put a sign outside the door of
his apartment which read: IN BED $100, ON THE COUCH $50, ON THE FLOOR $25. Not
long after that, an old woman walks by his door. She stops to read the sign,
gets all excited and then rushes back home. She breaks open her piggy bank and
takes the little savings she had. With the money in her hand she heads for the
young man's apartment. Knock knock...
The young man opens the door and the old lady hands him the money. He gives her
a passionate kiss and after counting the money tells her: "It's $100, so you
want to do it in bed?" "Don't be so naive young man" she replied, "I wanna do it
4 times on the floor!!"
Did Anyone See My Face?
A hooded robber burst into a Texas Bank and forced the tellers to load a sack
full of cash. On his way out the door a brave Texas customer grabbed the hood
and pulled it off revealing the robber's face. The robber shot the customer
without a moment's hesitation. He then looked around the bank and noticed one of
the tellers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot him also.
Everyone else, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence.
The Robber yelled, "Well, did anyone else see my face?"
There are a few moments of utter silence, in which everyone was plainly afraid
to speak. Then one old man tentatively raised his hand and said, "My wife got a
good look at you."
121. The Old Mule
hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him
unmercifully. From morning 'til night she was
always complaining about something. The only
time he got any relief was when he was out
plowing with his old mule. He plowed a lot. One
day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought
him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule
into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began
to eat his lunch.. Immediately, his wife began
nagging him again. Complain, nag, complain, nag
- it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the
old mule lashed out with both hind feet, caught
her smack in the back of the head. Killed her
dead on the spot.
At the funeral several days later, the minister
noticed something rather odd. When a woman
mourner would approach the old farmer, he would
listen for a minute, then nod his head
in agreement; but when a man mourner approached
him, he would listen for a minute, then shake
his head in disagreement. This was so
consistent, the minister decided to ask the old
farmer about it. So after the funeral, the
minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him
why he nodded his head and agreed with the
women, but always shook his head and disagreed
with all the men. The old farmer said, 'Well,
the women would come up and say something about
how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress
was, so I'd nod my head in agreement.' And what
about the men?' the minister asked. 'They wanted
to know if the mule was for sale."
120. The New Boots
elderly couple Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas. Bert always wanted a pair of
authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them
home. Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife,
'Notice anything different about me?' Margaret looked him over. 'Nope.'
Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into
the kitchen completely naked except for the boots. Again he asked Margaret, a
little louder this time, 'Notice anything different NOW?' Margaret looked up
and exclaimed, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging
down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!' Furious, Bert yelled,
'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?' 'Nope', she replied.. 'IT'S
HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!' Without changing her
expression, Margaret replied, 'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert.
The War Is Over
An elderly Italian man who lived on the
outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession. When the
priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said: "Father... During
World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on
my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic." The
priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to
confess that." "There is more to tell, Father.. She started to repay me with
sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on
Sundays." The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did,
you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those
circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you
are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven." "Thank you, Father.
That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question." "And what is
that?" asked the priest. "Should I tell her the war is over?"
In a tiny village on the Irish coast lived
an old lady, a virgin and very proud of it. Sensing that
her final days were rapidly approaching, and desiring to
make sure everything was in proper order when she dies,
she went to the town's undertaker (who also happened to
be the local postal clerk) to make proper "final"
arrangements. As a last wish, she informed the
undertaker that she wanted the following inscription
engraved on her tombstone: "BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED AS A
VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN" Not long after, the old maid died
peacefully. A few days after the funeral, as the
undertaker, the postal clerk went to prepare the
tombstone that the lady had requested, it became quite
apparent that the tombstone that she had selected was
much too small for the wording that she had chosen. He
thought long and hard about how he could fulfil the old
maid's final request, considering the very limited space
available on the small piece of stone. For days, he
agonized over the dilemma. But finally his experience as
a postal worker allowed him to come up with what he
thought was the appropriate solution to the problem. The
virgin's tombstone was finally completed and duly
engraved, and it read as follows: "RETURNED UNOPENED."
A middle aged man goes to his regular doctor for his
physical and gets sent to a urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he
discovers the urologist is a very pretty female doctor. The female doctor says,
"I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little
different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right
side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a
deep breath and say 99," The guy obeys and says 99." The doctor says,
"Great... now turn over on your left side and again, take a deep breath and say
99." Again, the guy says 99. The doctor said,
"Very good. Now then, I want you
to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly, I'm going to check your
prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your
penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say 99." The old
geezer says, "One... Two... Three."
116. Married Four Times
The local news station was interviewing an 80 year old lady,
because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The
interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it
felt like to be marrying again at 80 and then about her new
husband's occupation! "He's a
funeral director," she
answered. "Interesting," the newsman thought. He then asked her
if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three
husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few
moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a
short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly,
explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in
her early 20s, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40s, and a
preacher when in her 60s, and now in her 80s, a funeral
director. Astonished, the interviewer looked at her and asked,
"Why did you marry four men with such diverse careers?" She
smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the
show, three to get ready and four to go."
115. The Smart Pig?
A travelling salesman came upon an old farmer sitting on his porch, next to the
farmer was a pig with only one leg. The salesman was about to give his sales
pitch when his curiosity got the best of him. “Excuse me sir, but why does your
pig only have one leg?” asked the salesman. “Well sonny, I’ll tell ya. One day I
was out plowing the back 40 when my tractor overturned, pinning me underneath. I
was losing blood and thought I would die when that pig came running. He dug and
rooted around with his nose till he got me out and he dragged me back to the
house. Saved my life that pig did.” “Wow, that’s really amazing,” said the
salesman, “but I still don’t know why the pig only has one leg.” “Well I’ll tell
ya,” said the farmer. “One night me and the wife were asleep at about 3am when a
fire broke out in the kitchen. Well that pig broke down the door, came into our
bedroom waking us up and getting us out before the fire could get us, saved our
lives that pig did!” “Well that’s really great but why does the pig only have
one leg?” “Well sonny, when you get a pig that smart, you don’t want to eat him
all at once.
114. What's For Sale?
young businessmen in Florida were
sitting down for a break in their
soon-to-be new store in the shopping
mall. As yet, the store wasn't ready,
with only a few shelves and display
racks set up. One said to the
other, "I'll bet that any minute now
some senior is going to walk by, put his
face to the window, and ask what we're
selling." Sure enough, just a moment
later, a curious senior gentleman walked
up to the window, looked around
intensely and rapped on the glass, then
in a loud voice asked, "What are you
sellin' here?" One of the men replied
sarcastically, "We're selling
ass-holes." Without skipping a beat, the
old timer said, "You're doing well, only
113. Bartender, There's a Fly In My
A millionaire, a hard hat, and
an old drunk are at a bar. When
they get their beers, they
notice a fly in each mug. The millionaire politely
asks the bartender for
another beer, then proceeds
to sip it. The hard hat
spills out just enough to
get rid of the fly and
quaffs the rest. It's now
the old drunk's turn. He
sticks his hand into the
beer, grabs the fly by the
wings, and shouts, "Spit it
out! Spit it out!"
112. The Beaujolais Bistro
A group of 40-year-old buddies
discuss where they should meet for dinner. Finally it is agreed
upon that they should meet at the Beaujolais Bistro because the
waitresses there have low-cut blouses and really short skirts.
10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again and
once again they discuss where they should meet. Finally it is
agreed that they should meet at the Beaujolais Bistro because
the food there is very good and the wine selection is excellent.
10 years later at 60 years of age, the group meets again and
once again they discuss where they should meet. Finally it is
agreed that they should meet at the Beaujolais Bistro because
they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is
smoke-free. 10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets
again and once again they discuss where they should meet.
Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Beaujolais
Bistro because the restaurant is wheelchair accessible and they
even have an elevator. 10 years later, at 80 years of age, the
group meets again and once again they discuss where they should
meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the
Beaujolais Bistro because everyone's heard it's good and they've
never been there before.
111. Jim Is Recovering Nicely
Jim left for work one Friday
afternoon. But it was
payday, so instead of going
home, he stayed out the
entire weekend partying and
playing golf with
the boys and spending his
When he finally appeared at
home on Sunday night, the
old geezer was confronted by
his angry wife and was
barraged for nearly two
hours with a tirade
befitting his actions.
Finally his wife stopped the
nagging and said to him,
“How would you like it if
you didn’t see me for two or
three days?” He replied,
“That would be fine with
Monday went by and he
didn’t see his wife. Tuesday
and Wednesday came and went
with the same results. But
on Thursday, the swelling
went down just enough where
he could see her a little
out of the corner of his
110. Mahatma Gandhi
Mahatma Gamdhi as you know, walked barefoot
most of the time, which produced an impressive set of
calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which
made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered
from bad breath. This made him (oh, man, this is so bad,
it's good) ... a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by
A big-city lawyer was
representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old
rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the
section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only
wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull. The case was
scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the
back room of the general store. The attorney for the
railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get
him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling
job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he
was asking. After the rancher had signed the release and
took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a
little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I
hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in
there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep
and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went
through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness
to put on the stand. I bluffed you!" The old rancher
replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little
worried about winning that case myself, because that durned
bull came home this morning."
108. The Freudian Slip
Two old geezers, Bill
and Bob were shooting the breeze. Bill sez, "You ever made a
Freudian slip?" Bob sez, "What's that?" Bill: "Well, I'll give
you an example. The other day I was at the airport, and the
woman at the airline counter was quite well endowed. I meant to
say, 'I'd like two tickets for Pittsburgh. But it came out, 'I'd
like two pickets for Tittsburgh.'"
Bob: "Ahh, gotcha Bill. That happened to me this morning. My
wife and I were having breakfast, and I meant to say, 'Dear,
could you please pass the marmalade.' But it came out, 'You old
hag, you're ruining my life.'"
The Christmas Invitation
Mick had been in Police work for 35
years. Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys
50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible.
He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a
month. Otherwise it’s total peace and quiet. After six
months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on
his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing
there. ‘Name’s Cliff, your neighbor from forty miles up the
road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you
might like to come at about 5:00….’ ‘Great’, says Mick,
‘after six months out here I’m ready to meet some local
folks Thank you.’
As Cliff is leaving, he stops. ‘Gotta warn you. Be some
‘Not a problem’ says Mick. ‘After 25 years in the business,
I can drink with the best of ‘em’.
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. ‘More ‘n’
likely gonna be some fighting’ too..’
‘Well, I get along with people, I’ll be all right!. I’ll be
there. Thanks again.’
‘More’n likely be some wild sex, too,’
‘Now that’s really not a problem’ says Mick, warming to the
idea. ‘I’ve been all alone for six months! I’ll definitely
be there. By the way, what should I wear?’
‘Don’t much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.’
106. The Senior Special
We went to
breakfast at a restaurant where the 'seniors'
special' was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast
'Sounds good,' my wife said. 'But I don't want the
'Then, I'll have to charge you three dollars and
forty-nine cents because you're ordering a la
carte,' the waitress warned her.
'You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?'
my wife asked incredulously.
'YES!!' stated the waitress.
'I'll take the special then,' my wife said.
'How do you want your eggs?' the waitress asked.
'Raw and in the shell,' my wife replied. She took
the two eggs home and baked a cake.
Age Is A Funny Thing
Have you ever been guilty of looking at
others your own age and thinking, "Surely I can't look that
old?" Well, You'll love this one! I was sitting in the
waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I
noticed his, DDS, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I
remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same
name had been in my high school class some 40-odd years ago.
Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way
back then? Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any
such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply
lined face was way too old to have been my classmate. Hmmm
... Or could he? After he examined my teeth, I asked him if
he had attended Morgan Park High School. "Yes. Yes, I did.
I'm a Mustang," he gleamed with pride. "When did you
graduate?" I asked. He answered, "In 1959. Why do you ask?"
"You were in my class!" I exclaimed. He looked at me
closely. Then, that ugly, old wrinkled SOB asked, "What did
104. No Sunday Newspaper
"WHERE is my SUNDAY paper?!"
The little old lady calling
the newspaper office,
loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was.
"Madam", said the newspaper
employee, "today is Saturday.
The Sunday paper is not
delivered until tomorrow, on SUNDAY".
There was quite a long pause
on the other end of the phone,
followed by a ray of
recognition as the little old lady was heard to mutter,
"Well, shit... that's why no
one was at church today."
Been Home Yet
elderly man comes to a doctor and, twitching his fingers and
stuttering, finally manages to say, "Doctor, I have a sexual
performance problem. Can you help me?" "Oh, that's not a problem
for us men anymore!" announces a proud physician. "They have
this new wonder drug, Viagra, that does the trick. You take some
pills and your problems are history." So the doctor gives the
man a prescription and sends him on his merry way. A couple of
months later the doctor runs into his patient on the street.
"Doctor, doctor," exclaims the man excitedly, "I've got to thank
you. This drug is a miracle. It's wonderful." "Well, I'm glad to
hear that," says the pleased physician. "What does your wife
think about it?" "Wife?" asks the man, "I haven't been home
Alcohol is Bad For Your Legs
A man goes into a cocktail
lounge and approaches little old Maxine sitting by herself... "May
I buy you a cocktail?" Maxine: "No thank you sir,
alcohol is bad for my legs." "Sorry to hear that. Do
they swell?" Maxine: "No, they spread."
101. Baby's First Exam
A woman and a baby
were in the doctor's
waiting for the
doctor to come in
for the baby's first
100. Bad News
A doctor says to his patient, "I have
bad news and worse news."
"Oh dear, what's the bad news?" asks the elderly
The doctor replies, "You only have 24 hours to live."
"That's terrible," said the old man.
"How can the news possibly be worse?"
The doctor replies, "I've been trying to contact you
When I was a kid I used to
pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized the Lord doesn't
work that way, so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
Arthur is 90 years old. He’s played golf
every day since his retirement 25 years ago. One day he arrives home
looking downcast. “That’s it,” he tells his wife. “I’m giving up golf.
My eyesight has gotten so bad that once I’ve hit the ball, I can’t see
where it went.” His wife sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea. As they
sit down, she says, “Why don’t you take my brother with you and give it
one more try.” “That’s no good,” sighs Arthur. “Your brother’s a hundred
and three. He can’t help.” “He may be a hundred and three,” says the
wife, “but his eyesight is perfect.” So the next day, Arthur heads off
to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes an
almighty swing, and squints down the fairway. He turns to the
brother-in-law. “Did you see the ball?” “Of course I did!” replies the
brother-in-law. “I have perfect eyesight.” “Where did it go?” asks
Arthur. “I don’t remember.”
97. Pussy Willow
Old man sitting on
his front porch in Louisiana watching the sunrise sees the neighbors'
kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. He yells out, 'Hey
boy, whatcha got there?' The boy yells back, 'Roll of chicken wire.' The
old man says, 'What you gonna do with that?' The boy says, 'Catch some
chickens.' The old man yells, 'You dang fool, you can't catch chickens
with chicken wire!' The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening
at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise, he is
dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in
it. At the same time the next morning, the old man is out watching the
sunrise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in
his hand. The old man yells out, 'Hey boy, whatcha got there?' The boy
yells back, 'Roll of duck tape.' The old man says, 'What you gonna do
with that?' The boy says back, 'Catch me some ducks.' The old man yells
back, 'You dang fool, you can't catch ducks with duck tape!' The boy
just laughs and keeps walking. That night, around sunset, the boy walks
by coming home and to the old man's amazement, he is trailing behind him
the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it At the
same time the next morning, the old man sees the boy walking by carrying
what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. The old man
says, 'Hey boy, whatcha got there?' The boy says, 'It's a pussy willow.'
The old man says, 'Hold on, I'll get my hat.'
Movie Theater Pervert
An old farmer went to town to see a
movie. The Ticket Agent asked, 'Sir, What's that on your shoulder?' The
old farmer said, 'That's my pet rooster Chuck. Wherever I go, Chuck
goes.' 'I'm sorry Sir, ' said the Ticket Agent. 'We can't allow animals
in the theater.' The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the
bird down his overalls. Then he returned to the booth, bought a ticket,
and entered the theater. He sat down next to two old widows named
Mildred and Marge. The movie started and the rooster began to squirm.
The old farmer unbuttoned his fly so Chuck could stick his head out and
watch the movie. 'Marge,' whispered Mildred. 'What?' said Marge. 'I
think the guy next to me is a pervert.' 'What makes you think so?' asked
Marge. 'He undid his pants and he has his thing out.' whispered Mildred.
'Well, don't worry about it,' said Marge. 'Hell, at our age we've seen 'em
all'. 'I thought so too,' said Mildred, 'but this one's eatin my
95. Mr Bush Is No Longer President
One sunny day in January, 2009 an old man approached the White House
from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park
bench. He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, "I would
like to go in and meet with President Bush." The Marine looked at the
man and said, "Sir, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer
resides here." The old man said, "Okay", and walked away. The following
day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same
Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Bush." The Marine
again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Bush is no longer
president and no longer resides here." The man thanked him and, again,
just walked away. The third day, the same man approached the White House
and spoke to the very same U.S. Marine, saying "I would like to go in
and meet with President Bush." The Marine, understandably agitated at
this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a
row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Bush. I've told you
already that Mr. Bush is no longer the president and no longer resides
here. Don't you understand?" The old man looked at the Marine and said,
"Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it." The Marine snapped to
attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow, Sir."
94. Walk On Water
Bubba had long heard the stories of an amazing family
tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had
all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that special day,
they'd each walked across the lake to the bar on the far side for their
first legal drink. So when Bubba's 21st birthday came around, he and his pal
Jim Bob took aboat out to the middle of the lake, Bubba stepped out of the
boat... and nearly drowned! Jim Bobjust barely managed to pull him to
safety. Furious and confused, Bubba went to see his grandmother. 'Grandma,'
he asked, 'it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like
my pappy, his father, and his father before him? 'Granny looked deeply into
Bubba's troubled eyes and said, 'Because your father, your grandfather and
your great grandfather were born in January, when the lake is frozen, and
you were born in July, you frickin' idiot.'
93. Free Oranges
A young teenaged girl was a
prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her grandma.
One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of
prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed
to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be
walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl was
frantic. Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked
curiously, "What are you lining up for, dear?" Not willing to let
grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some
people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for
some. "Mmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma. "I think I'll have some
myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A
police officer made his way down the line, questioning each of the
prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was
bewildered. "But you're so old... how do you do it?" Grandma replied,
"Oh, it's quite easy, sonny... I just remove my dentures and suck 'em
and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the park every day to feed
feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. One
day Bill didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured
maybe he had a cold or something. But after Bill hadn't shown up for a
week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they
ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Bill lived, so
he was unable to find out what had happened to him. A month had passed,
and Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill, but one day, Sam
approached the park and -- lo and behold! --there sat Bill! Sam was very
excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, 'For crying
out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you?'
Bill replied, 'I have been in jail.'
'Jail?' cried Sam. 'What in the world for?'
'Well,' Bill said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde
waitress at the coffee shop where I sometime go?'
'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?'
'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89
years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pled 'guilty'
'The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'
91. I Hate Weddings
I hate them because the old people always poke you and
say "Your next!." So I started doing the same thing to them... at funerals.
90. The Talking Frog
86 year old fisherman
was sitting in his boat one day when he heard a voice say, 'Pick me up.'
He looked around and couldn't see any one. He
thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again,
'Pick me up.' He looked in the water
and there, floating on the top, was a frog.
The man said, 'Are
you talking to me?' The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up.
Then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever
sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because you will have
me as your bride.' The old
fisherman looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it
up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.
Then the frog said, 'What are you nuts? Didn't you hear
what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.' He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, 'Nah, at my age I'd rather
have a talking frog.'
89. Ask Jeeves
50-something friend Nancy and I
decided to introduce her mother to
the magic of the Internet. Our first
move was to access the popular Ask
Jeeves site, and we told her it
could answer any question she had.
Nancy's mother was very skeptical
until Nancy said. "It's true,
Mom. Think of something to ask it."
As I sat with my fingers poised over
the keyboard, Nancy's mother thought
for a minute, then responded, "How
is Aunt Helen feeling this morning?"
88. The Virgin
There was this really old guy at a
dance who hadn't had any sex for a long time. He'd been dancing with the
grandmas all night, but he still hadn't scored. Frustrated, he
approached an old grandma and said,"Listen, I'm having no luck scoring a
woman. How about coming back to my place? I'll give you $20 if you
oblige! "I'm willing, let's go," she said. They arrived back at his
place, and after a bit of foreplay, they headed for the bedroom. The old
guy loved the sex and couldn't get over how tight the grandma was for
such an old woman. Surely she's got to be a virgin. After the wonderful
performance, he rolled over and said, "Wow! Lady, if I had known you
were a virgin, I would have given you $50". Surprised, she replied, "If
I had known you were actually going to get an erection, I would have
taken off my pantyhose!"
An elderly man goes into a brothel
and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised,
she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is. "I'm 90 years old,"
he says. "Ninety!" replies the woman. "Don't you realize you've had it?"
"Oh, sorry," says the old man. "How much do I owe you?"
What has a hundred balls and screws
old ladies? Bingo!
85. Raising The Dead
Grandma and Grandpa
were watching a healing service on TV. The evangelist called to all who
wanted to be healed to go to their TV set, place one hand on the TV and
the other hand on the body part they wanted to be healed. Grandma got up
and slowly hobbled to the TV, placed her right hand on the set and her
left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her to have great
pain. Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the
set and his left hand on his crotch. Grandma scowled at him and said, "I
guess you just don't get it. The purpose of doing this is to heal the
sick, not to raise the dead."
84. The Bran
were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though they were
far from rich they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.
Though not young they were both in very good health largely due to the
wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade. One
day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and
their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven. They reached the pearly
gates and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful
mansion furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen
and waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their
favorite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said
"Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now." The old man asked Peter
how much all this was going to cost. "Why, nothing, remember, this is
your reward in Heaven". The old man looked out the window and right
there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than
any ever built on Earth. "What are the green fees?" grumbled the old
man. "This is heaven, St. Peter replied. You can play for free every
day." Next they went to the Club House and saw the lavish buffet lunch
laid out before them, from seafood to steak to exotic deserts, and free
flowing beverages. "Don't even ask," said St. Peter to the man. This all
free for you to enjoy." The old man looked around and glanced nervously
at his wife. "Well, where are the low fat, low cholesterol foods and
decaffeinated tea?" he asked. "That's the best part" St. Peter replied.
"You can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never
get fat or sick. This is Heaven!" The old man pushed "No gym to work out
at?" "Not unless you want to" was the answer. "No testing my sugar or
blood pressure or..." "Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself".
The old man glared at his wife and said, "You and your Bran Muffins. We
could have been here ten years ago."
83. Dear Tide
I am writing to say what an excellent product you have!
I've used it all
of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best.
Now that I am in my sixties I find it even better! In fact,
about a month ago, I
spilled some red wine on my new pretty white blouse. My
inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about
how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the
neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with the
old geezer's blood on my new pretty white blouse! I grabbed my
bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and
satisfaction, all of the stains came out!
In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by
yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative
and my attorney called and said that I was
no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my
What a relief! I thank you, once again, for having a great
product. Well, gotta go, have to take my meds and write to the
Hefty bag people.
That Was Wonderful!
After nearly 48 years of marriage, a couple was lying in
bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to fondle her in
ways he hadn't done in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers
started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her
back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand
down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach. He then
proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the
side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her
buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her inner
thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued
in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over
and became silent. As she had become quite aroused by this caressing,
she asked in a loving voice, "Honey, that was wonderful. Why did you
stop?" I found the remote," he mumbled.
81. The Old
of Highways employee stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer. He
told the farmer, 'I need to inspect your farm for a possible new road.'
The old farmer said, 'OK, but don't go in that field.' The Highways
employee said, 'I have the authority of the State of Minnesota to go
where I want. See this card? I am allowed to go wherever I wish on farm
land.' So the old farmer went about his chores. Later, he heard loud
screams and saw the Department of Highways employee running for the
fence and close behind was the farmer's prize bull. The bull was madder
than a nest full of hornets and the bull was gaining on the employee at
every step. The old farmer called out, 'Show him your card, smartass!!'
joins a very exclusive nudist colony. One his first day
there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander
around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man
immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his
erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call for
me?" The man replies "No; what do you mean?" She says,
"You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here
that if you get an erection it implies you called for
me." Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming
pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and
happily lets him have his way with her. The man
continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters
the sauna and as he sits down, he farts. Within minutes
a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward
him, "Did you call for me?" says the hairy man. "No;
what do you mean?" says the newcomer. "You must be new,"
says the hairy man, "it's a rule that if you fart, it
implies that you called for me." The huge man easily
spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way
with him. The newcomer staggers back to the colony
office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked
receptionist, "May I help you?" she says. The man yells,
"Here's my membership card. You can have the key back
and you can keep the $500 membership fee." "But sir,"
she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours. You
haven't had the chance to see all our facilities." The
man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 68 years old; I only get
an erection once a month, but I fart 15 times a day! I'm
Jeff and Paula are getting ready for bed. Paula is naked
standing in front of her full-length mirror, taking a
long, hard look at herself. "You know Jeff," she
comments. "I stare into this mirror and I see an ancient
creature. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs sag so much
that they dangle to my waist, my arms and legs are as
flabby as popped balloons, and... my butt looks like a
sad, deflated version of the Hindenberg! My body has
just gone to hell in a hand basket!" She turns to face
her husband and says, "Dear, please tell me just one
positive thing about my body so I can feel better about
myself." Jeff studies Paula critically for a moment and
then says in a soft, thoughtful voice, "Well, there's
nothing wrong with your eyesight honey."
78. Fruit Flies
This 80 year old woman thought she had the crabs, so she goes to the
doctor. "Doctor I think I have the crabs." "When was the last time you
had sex?" The doctor asks. "I have never had sex. I'm still a virgin."
she replied. The doctor thought this was very strange so he told her to
get on the table and he would examine her. After the examination he
said, "I have some good news and bad news for you. The good news is you
don't have the crabs. The bad news is you've got fruit flies." "Fruit
flies?" asks granny. "Yeah," says the doctor. "Your cherry rotted."
77. The Old Miser
was an old man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his
money, and was a real "miser" when it came to his money. Just before
he died, he said to his wife..."When I die, I want you to take all my
money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the
afterlife with me."
And so he got his wife to promise
him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of
the money into the casket with him. Well, he eventually died. He was
stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there - dressed in
black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the
ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the
casket, the wife said, "Wait just a moment!" She had a small metal box
with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then
the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away. So her
friend said, "Girl, I know you were not fool enough to put all that
money in there with your husband." The loyal wife replied, "Listen,
I'm a Christian; I cannot go back on my word. I
promised him that I was going to put that money into the casket with
You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!?!?!?
did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account,
and wrote him a check....
If he can cash it,
he can spend it."
76. Be Careful What You Wish For
A married couple in
their early 60s were celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a
quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly, a tiny, yet beautiful fairy
appeared on their table saying, 'For being such an exemplary married
couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will
grant you each a wish.' Oh, I want to travel around the world with my
darling husband. The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof two tickets
for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands. The husband thought for a
moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this
will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife
30 years younger than me.' The wife, and the fairy, were deeply
disappointed, but a wish is a wish. So the fairy waved her magic wand
and - poof the husband became 92 years old. The moral of this story...
be careful what you wish for.
75. The Flasher
Three little old ladies named Gertrude,
Maude and Tilly were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation
when a flasher approached from across the park. The flasher came up to
the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.
Gertrude immediately had a stroke. Then Maude also had a stroke. But
Tilly, bless her heart, being older and more feeble, couldn’t reach that
74. Some Grandkid Humor
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station
wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck
zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire
truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started
discussing the dog's duties. "They use him to keep
crowds back," said one youngster. "No," said
another, "he's just for good luck." A third child
brought the argument to a close. "They use the
dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire
I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her
colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would
point out something and ask what color it was. She
would tell me, and always she was correct. But it
was fun for me, so I continued. At last she headed
for the door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I think you
should try to figure out some of these yourself!"
When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation
cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside
to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a
few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before
I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use, Grandpa. The
mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."
When my grandson asked me how old I was, I
teasingly replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your
underwear, Grandma," he advised. "Mine says I'm
four to six."
73. The Waiting Room
This is so true! They always ask at the doctor's
office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others
what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing. There's nothing worse
than a receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a
room full of other patients. Many of us have experienced this, and I
love the way this old guy handled it. An 86-year-old man walked into a
crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The receptionist said,
"Hello, sir. Can you please tell me why you're here to see the doctor
today?" "There's something wrong with my dick," he replied. The
receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a
crowded waiting room and say things like that." "Why not? You asked me
what was wrong and I told you," he said. The receptionist replied, "Now
you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should
have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and
discussed the problem further with the doctor in private." The man
replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of
strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone." The man walked out,
waited several minutes and then re-entered. The receptionist smiled
smugly and asked, Yes?" "There's something wrong with my ear," he
stated. The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had
taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?" "I can't piss
out of it," he replied. The waiting room erupted in laughter.
72. Alzheimer's or AIDS?
"Mrs. Ward, please." "Speaking."
"Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory. When
your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy
from another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which
one is your husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously. "Well, one Mr. Ward tested
positive for Alzheimer's and the other one was positive for AIDS. We
can't tell which is your husband's." "That's dreadful! Can't you do the
test again?" questioned Mrs. Ward. "Normally, yes, but Medicare won't
pay for these expensive tests more than once." "Well, what am I supposed
to do now?" "The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband
off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't
sleep with him."
Three old men were talking
about how much their hands shook. The first old guy said, "My hands
shake so bad, that when I shaved his morning, I cut my face." The second
old fogey one-upped him and said, "My hands shake so bad, that when I
trimmed my garden yesterday, I sliced all my flowers." The third old man
laughed and said, "That's nothing. My hands shake so bad that when I
took a piss yesterday, I came three times!"
70. The Sex Therapist
A couple, both 67, went to a sex
therapist’s office. The doctor asked, “What can I do for you?” The man
said, “Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?” The doctor looked
puzzled, but agreed. The doctor examined them and then directed them to
disrobe and go at it. When the couple finished, the doctor reexamined
them and, upon completion, advised the couple, “There’s nothing wrong
with the way you have intercourse.” He then charged them $32. This
happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment,
have intercourse with no apparent problems other than the lack of vigor
which is to be expected in 67 year-olds, get dressed, pay the doctor,
and then leave. Finally after almost two months of this routine, the
doctor asked, “Just exactly what are you trying to find out?” The old
man said, “Oh, we’re not trying to find out anything. She’s married and
we can’t go to her house. I’m married, so we can’t go to my house. The
Holiday Inn charges $60. The Hilton charges $78. We do it here for $32
and I get $28 back from Medicaid.
69. No Refills
A distraught senior citizen phoned
her doctor's office. "Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the
medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"
"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her. There was a moment of silence
before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious
is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."
68. The Living Will
Last night, my wife and I were sitting in
the living room and I said to her,
"I never want to live
in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine
and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens to me, just pull the
plug." She got up, unplugged the TV and then threw out my beer. She's Such A Bitch.....
67. You're Putting Me On
An elderly gentleman went to a ranch
and asked for the rates. "Well," began the ranch director, "For people
your age we charge an extra $50 a day." "50 dollars a day!" yelped the
old timer, "You must be putting me on!" "No," said the director, "that
would be an additional 20 dollars."
66. Texas Three Kick Rule
A big-city California lawyer went
duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell
into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.... As the lawyer
climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and
asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and
it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it." The old
farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the
U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take
everything you own." The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you
don't know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like
this with the Texas Three-Kick-Rule." The lawyer asked, What is the
Texas Three-Kick-Rule?." The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you
three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth,
until someone gives up." The attorney quickly thought about the proposed
contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed
to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from
the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the
toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to
his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The
barrister was flat on this belly when the farmer's third kick to a
kidney nearly caused him to give up. The lawyer summoned every bit of
his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "OK, you old coot!
now, it's my turn." The old farmer smiled and said, "No I give up, you
can have the duck.
65. Bad Day
A guy was watching over his kid for
nightly prayers. The kid says, "Goodnight mommy, daddy, grandpa, and
goodbye grandma." The next day the grandma dies. The guy thinks this is
really weird. That night, the kid says "Goodnight mommy, daddy, and
goodbye grandpa" The next day the grandpa dies. The father is like this
is really weird. That night the kid says, "Goodnight mommy, and goodbye
daddy." The father freaks. He's all like I'm gonna die. So the next day
he goes to work really slowly and carefully, and is nice to everyone at
work. at the end of the day, he drives home really carefully and
collapses into a chair. He says," Honey, can you get me a cup of coffee?
I've had a really bad day. She says YOU'VE had a bad day! I found the
mailman dead on the doorstep!
64. Don't Try This At
This is a story about an elderly couple who had been happily
married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's
habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would
wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp
for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off
because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that
it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was
concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and
he continued to blast them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was
preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she
looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck,
gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to
her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound
asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the
elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts
into his shorts. Some time later she heard her husband awoke with his
usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the
sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could
hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her
eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty
good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his
bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her
lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were
right." "All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you."
"What do you mean?" asked his wife." Well, you always told me that one
day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened.
But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and two fingers, I think I got
most of them back in."
63. Too Old To Squat!
Once upon a time, there was a little old man that really took care
of his body. He lifted weights and jogged 6 miles everyday. One
morning he looked in the mirror and was admiring his body when he
noticed he was suntanned all over except for his penis. He decided
to do something about it. He promptly went to the beach,
completely undressed, and buried himself in the sand, except for
his penis. A little later two elderly ladies, one walking with a
cane, happened by. When she saw this thing sticking out of the
sand, she began to move it around with her cane. She said to her
friend, "There ain't no justice in this world." Her friend asked
her what she meant. Well, she said: "When I was 20, I was curious
about it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it. When I was 40, I asked for
it. When I was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it.
When I was 70, I forgot about it. And now that I'm 80, the damn
things are growing wild and I'm too old to squat!!!"
62. Good Old Days
at the beginning of her shift examines an elderly and slightly deaf
lady. She places her stetoscope on the patient's chest wall and
instructs "Big breaths" The old lady remorses,"Yes, they used to
61. Quick! Get me a woman!
A family was supposed to stay the night at a hotel, but there was a
screw-up with the rooms, so Grandpa had to sleep in the same bed as
the 15-year old Grandson. In the middle of the night Grandpa woke up
and shouted: "Quick! Get me a woman! Fast!!" The grandson moaned:
"Please, Grandpa, calm down. First, its three o'clock in the
morning, and you'll never find a woman at this hour. Second, you're
82 years old, and third, that's MY dick you're holding... not
60. Pledge of Allegiance
Before she died, an elderly woman from the United States wanted to
visit England, the home of her ancestors. She went to the Federal
Office and asked for a passport. "You must first take the loyalty
oath," the passport clerk said. "Raise your right hand, please." The
senior citizen raised her right hand as the clerk asked, "Do you swear
to defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies,
domestic or foreign?" The sweet old face paled and the voice trembled
as she responded, "Well, I guess so, but . . . will I have help, or
will I have to do it all by myself?"
59. Will You Marry Me?
There were these two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home
park. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known one another for a
number of years. Now, one evening there was a community supper in the
big activity center. These two were at the same table, across from one
another. As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and
finally gathered up his courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?" After
about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered. "Yes. Yes, I
will." The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went
to their respective places. Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say
yes or did she say no?" He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just
could not recall. No even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to
the telephone and called her. First, he explained to her that he didnt
remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening
past. As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her, "When
I asked if you would marry me, did you say Yes or did you say No?" He
was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, Yes, yes I will and I meant
it with all my heart." Then she continued, "And I am so glad that you
called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."
"Yeah, Doc, what's the news?" asked grandpa Sam when his doctor called with his
test results. "I have some bad news and some really bad news," said the
doctor. "The bad news is that you only have 24 hours to live." "Oh my
God," gasped Sam as he dropped to his knees. "What could be worse news
than that?" "I couldn't get hold of you yesterday."
57. 39 and Holding
Johnny asked his grandma how old she was. Grandma answered, "39 and
holding." Johnny thought for a moment and then said, "How old would you
be if you let go?"
56. The Eulogy
An old man had died. A wonderful
funeral was in progress and the country preacher talked at length of the
good traits of the deceased. The preacher went on about “what an honest
man” he was, and “what a loving husband and kind father” he was.
Finally, the widow leaned over and whispered to one of her children, “Go
up there and take a look in the coffin. See if that's your pa in there.”
55. How is Old Mrs. Kirkland
Worried because they hadn't heard
anything for days from the widow in the neighboring apartment, Mrs.
Silver said to her son, "Timmy, would you go next door and see how old
Mrs. Kirkland is?" A few minutes later, Timmy returned. "Well," asked
Mrs. Silver, "is she all right?" "She's fine, except that she's pissed
at you." "At me?" the woman exclaimed. "Whatever for?" "She said 'It's
none of your business how old she is,'" snickered Timmy.
The Elderly Cab Driver
A taxi passenger tapped the
driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed,
lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath,
and stopped centimeters from a shop window. For a second everything
went quiet in the cab, then the elderly driver turned and said,
"Look son, don't ever do that again. You scared the living crap out
of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a
little tap would scare you so much."The driver replied, "Sorry, it's
not really your fault. I just retired and today is my first day as a
cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 45 years."
A man walks
into his doctor's office and sits down in the waiting room. While
he is waiting his turn to be seen, an acquaintance walks in and
sits down next to him. The newcomer asks "W w what are yyy you ddd
doing here Fred?" The man replies, " I am waiting to see the
doctor." "W wwhy dd do yyy you wwant to sss see hhim?" The man
replies, "Well, if you must know, I have a prostate problem. " A
pp prostate ppp problem, wwhat's ttthat?" "Well, if you must know.
I pee like you talk."
52. What a Relief...
a busy clinic as a receptionist spoke to an obviously
hard-of-hearing patient:" No Mrs Smith, not the HEARSE, I'm
sending the NURSE!"
A Good Exercise For The Elderly
You know how
important exercise is, as we grow older. Here are a few
suggestions. I start by standing outside behind the house and,
with a five pound potato sack in each hand, extend my arms
straight out to my sides and hold them there as long as I can.
After a few weeks I moved up to 10 pound potato sacks, then 20
pound potato sacks and finally I got to where I could lift a 50
pound potato sack in each hand and hold my arms straight out for
more than a full minute! Next, I started putting a few potatoes
in the sacks, but I would caution you not to overdo it at this
How's The Patient in Room 302?
A sweet grandmother
telephoned Mount Sinai Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it
possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is
doing?" The operator said "I'll be glad to help, Dear. What's
the name and room number?" The grandmother in her weak
tremulous voice said, "Holly Finkel, room 302." The Operator
replied, "Let me check. Oh, good news. Her records say that
Holly is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her
blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr.
Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged Tuesday." The
Grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so
worried! God bless you for the good news." The operator
replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Holly your daughter?"
The Grandmother said, "No, I'm Holly Finkel in 302. No one
tells me shit!"
The Elderly Tailor
doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your
headaches. The bad new is that it will require castration.
You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles
to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of
a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to
remove the testicles." Joe was shocked and depressed. He
wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice
but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was
without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he
felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he
walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a
different person. He could make a new beginning and live a
new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's
what I need... a new suit." He entered the shop and told the
salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him
briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long." Joe laughed,
"That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60
years!" the tailor said. Joe tried on the suit.. it fit
perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the
salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a
moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe and
said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck." Joe was
surprised, That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the
business 60 years. Joe tried on the shirt and it fit
perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the
salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought
for a moment and said, "Sure." The salesman said, "Let's
see... size 36." Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a
size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his
head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your
testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one
hell of a headache."
New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second Opinion - PRICELESS
elderly couple, Margaret and Charles, are in California. Charles always
wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he
buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into the house and
says to his wife: "Notice anything different about me?" Margaret
looks him over, "Nope." Frustrated Charles storms off into the
bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except
for the boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "notice
anything different NOW?" Margaret looks up and says, "Charles,
what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday,
it'll be hanging down again tomorrow. Furious, Charles yells, "AND DO
YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?" "Nope". She
replies. IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!"
To which Margaret replies, "YA SHOULDA BOUGHT A HAT!"
47. Sperm Count
A 75-year-old man went to the
doctor's office to get a sperm count. The Doctor gave the man a jar and
said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow." The next
day, the 75-year-old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him
the jar, which is as clean and empty as the previous day. The doctor asks
what happened, and the man explains, "Well, Doc, it's like this. First I
tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but
nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, but
nothing. Then with her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth,
first with her teeth in, then with he teeth out, and still nothing. Hell,
we even called up the lady next door, and she tried with both hands and
her mouth too, but nothing." The doctor was shocked. "You asked your
neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried, we
couldn't get that damn jar opened!"
46. Streakin' at the Nursing Home
A couple of old ladies are sitting on
the patio in a nursing home. Both are bored. "Mabel, nothing happens
here, all the men are half-dead and no fun!" "Doris, I agree.
Let's do something that will jerk them into action!" So Mabel agrees
to streak down the corridor and attract the attention of the old men that
are sitting there sunning themselves. She does this and the following
conversation insues between Harold and Humphrey... "Humphrey, old
boy, was that Mabel that I saw running past?..." "Hmm, I think
so. Couldn't say for sure. My eyes aren't too good these days."
"What was she wearing?" "Hmm, couldn't say for sure, but
whatever it was it was in need of ironing!"
45. What's Good For Constipation
Old Aunt Cora went to her doctor to
see what could be done about her troublesome constipation. "It's
terrible," she said to the doctor. "I haven't moved my bowels in
more than a week." "I see. Have you done anything about
it?" asked the doctor. "Oh, yes," Aunt Cora replied,
"I sit in the bathroom for a good half of an hour in the morning and
then again at night." "No," the doctor said, "I mean
do you take anything?" "Of course I do." she answered,
"I take a magazine."
44. Doctor's Orders
An elderly woman went to the
doctor for a check up. After examining her and checking her
cardiovascular activity, the doctor recommended that she engage in
sexual activity three times a week. Embarrassed, the woman asked the
doctor to tell her husband. The doctor went out into the waiting room
and told the husband that his wife needed sex three times a week. The
elderly husband replied, "OK, Doc. Which days? "Monday,
Wednesday and Friday would be ideal," replied the doctor.
"Well, I can bring her on Monday and Wednesday," the husband
said, "but on Fridays, she'll have to take a taxi."
43. Up at 9:00 Sharp
old men are sitting on the porch of a retirement home. The first says,
"Fellas, I got real problems. I'm seventy years old. Every morning
at seven o'clock I get up and I try to urinate. All day long I try to
urinate. They give me all kinds of medicine but nothing helps." The
second old man says, "You think you have problems. I'm eighty years
old. Every morning at 8:00 I get up and try to move my bowels. I try all
day long. They give me all kinds of stuff but nothing helps."
Finally the third old man speaks up, "Fellas: I'm ninety years old.
Every morning at 7:00 sharp I urinate. Every morning at 8:00 I move my
bowels. Every morning at 9:00 sharp I wake up."
Forgot Where I Live
ninety-four-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a
young man walks by and asks him what's wrong. Through his tears
the old man answers, "I'm in love with a twenty-two-year-old
woman." "What's wrong with that?" asks the young man.
Between his sobs and sniffles, he answers, "You don't understand.
Every morning before she goes to work, we make love. At lunch time
she comes home and we make love again, and then she makes my favorite
meal. In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home and
gives me oral sex, the best an old man could want. And then at
supper time, and all night long, we make love." He breaks
down, no longer able to speak. The young man puts his arm around him.
"I don't understand. It sounds like you have the perfect
relationship. Why are you crying?" The senile old man answers,
again through his tears, "I forgot where I live."
is visiting her father Ralph at the nursing home. ’I’ve been
sleeping really well these past few weeks,’ Ralph says. ’Why?’
Patty asks. ‘Have the nurses been giving you something to help you
sleep?’ ’Yes,’ Ralph says. ‘Every night I’m given an glass of
warm milk and viagra.’ ’Why are they giving you viagra?’ she asks.
’I don’t know,’ Ralph says. Patty finds a nurse down the hall and
asks to know more about their sleeping aids. ’The warm milk helps him
sleep,’ the nurse says. ’But why the viagra?’ Patty asks. ’Oh,’ the
nurse says. ‘That just keeps him from rolling out of bed.
40. Darn Nursing Home Staff
deciding that their frail, elderly mother can no longer live alone, a
family brings her to a nursing home, hoping she’ll be well cared for.
The next morning, the nurses bathe the old woman, feed her a tasty
breakfast, and sit her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely
flower garden. She seems fine, but after a while she slowly starts to
lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush
up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems fine, but after a
while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and
once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning. Later the
family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home.
"So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they
ask. "It’s pretty nice," she replies. "Except they
won’t let you fart."
What Was My Name?
George W. Bush decides it is time to do some public relations at a local
Washington DC nursing home. The President begins his "tour"
down the main hallway and passes by a little old man who doesn’t seem
to notice him. Sensing this, President Bush backtracks to the resident
and asks, "Do you know who I am?" The little old man looks up
from his walker and says, "No, but if you go to the front desk,
they will tell you your name."
Holiday Inn Alternative
the average cost for a nursing home reaching over $300.00 per day, there
is a better way to spend our savings, when we get old and feeble. I have
already checked on reservations at the Holiday Inn for a combined long
term stay discount and a senior discount. It comes to only $90.00 per
night. That leaves $210.00 a day for: Breakfast, lunch and dinner in any
restaurant I want, or room service. Laundry, gratuities and special TV
movies. Plus, they provide a swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge,
washer, dryer, etc. They treat you like a customer, not a patient and $5
worth of tips a day will have the entire staff scrambling to help you.
There is city Bus stop out front, and seniors ride free. It takes months
to get into decent nursing homes. Holiday Inn will take your reservation
today. And - you are not stuck in one place forever, you can move from
Inn to Inn, or even from city to city. TV broken? Light bulbs need
changing? Need a mattress replaced? No problem. They fix everything, and
apologize for the inconvenience. The Inn has a night security person and
daily room service. The maid checks to see if you are OK. If not, they
will call the undertaker or an ambulance. If you fall and break a hip,
Medicare will pay for the hip, and Holiday Inn will upgrade you to a
suite for the rest of your life. What more can you ask for?
you had purchased $1,000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be
worth $49. With Enron stock, you would have had $16.50 left of the
original $1,000. With WorldCom stock, you would have had less than $5.00
left. Then who would pay for your Social Security? But, if you had
purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then
turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND, you would have had
$214.00. Based on the above, the best current investment advice for
today's seniors is to drink heavily and recycle. It's called the 401-Keg
old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things. One lady
says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was
standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had
just come up or was about to go down." The second lady says,
"You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my
bed, and I couldn't remember whether I was going to bed or had just woken
up!" The third lady smiles smugly. "Well, my memory's just as
good as it's always been," knock wood. She raps the table. With a
startled look on her face, she asks, "Who's there?"
It Almost Every Night
senior citizens were bragging about their sex lives in the elderly homes.
"Can you still do it? I have sex with my wife twice a week. How many
can you do?" "Oh, I do it almost every night of the week!"
"Almost every night?" "Yup! Almost Monday, Almost Tuesday,
hearing that her elderly grandfather had passed away, Jenny rushed to her
grandmother's side. When she asked the particulars of her grandfather's
death, her grandmother explained, "He had a heart attack during sex
on Sunday morning." Horrified, Jenny suggested sex at age 94 was
surely asking for trouble. "Oh, no," her grandmother replied.
"We had sex every Sunday morning, in time with the church bells - in
with the dings and out with the dongs." She paused and wiped away a
tear. "If it hadn't been for that ice cream truck going past, he'd
still be alive."
Health Question & Answer Session
I'm 65 years old. I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong
life; is this true? A: Your heart is only good for so many beats,
and that's it ... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out
eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's
like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want
to live longer? Take a nap.
New Hearing Aid
an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set
of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly
gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said,
"Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you
can hear again." To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't
told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations.
I've changed my will three times!"
News Bad News
old man visits his doctor and after thorough examination the doctor tells him:
"I have good news and bad news, what would you like to hear first?"
Patient: "Well, give me the bad news first." Doctor: "You have
cancer, I estimate that you have about two years left." Patient: "OH
NO! That's awefull! In two years my life will be over! What kind of good news
could you probably tell me, after this???" Doctor: "You also have
Alzheimer's. In about three months you are going to forget everything I told
Chocolate Covered Peanuts
A guy goes
to visit his grandmother and he brings his friend with him. While he's
talking to his grandmother, his friend starts eating the peanuts on the
coffee table, and finished them off. As they're leaving, his friend says
to his grandmother, "Thanks for the peanuts." She says,
"Yeah, since I lost my dentures I can only suck the chocolate off
A white haired, old
man walked into a jeweler's shop late one Friday, with a beautiful young
lady on his side. "I'm looking for a special ring for my
girlfriend" he said. The jeweler looks through his stock, and takes
out an outstanding ring priced at $5,000. "I don't think you
understand ... I want something very unique," he said. At that, the
jeweler went and fetched his special stock from the safe. "Here's one
stunning ring at $40,000." The girls' eyes sparkled, and the man said
that he would take it. "How are you paying?" "I'll pay by
check, but of course you would want to make sure that everything is in
order, so I'll write a check and you can phone the bank tomorrow, then
I'll fetch the ring on Monday". Monday morning a very pissed off
jeweler phones the man. " You bastard, you lied, there's no money in
that account" "I know, but can you imagine what a fantastic
weekend I had?"
Time To Live
A elderly man hasn't
been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup.
Afterward the doctor comes out with the results. "I'm afraid I have
some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you
don't have much time left." "Oh, that's terrible!" says the
man. "How long have I got?" "Ten," the doctor says
sadly. "Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks?
Gonna Do What?
There were these twin
sisters just turning one hundred years old in St. Luke's Nursing Home and
the editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there
and take the pictures of these 100 year old twin biddies. One of the twins
was hard of hearing but the other could hear quite well. The photographer
asked them to sit on the sofa. The deaf one said to her twin, "WHAT
DID HE SAY?" He said, "WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE
SOFA!", said the other. "Now get a little closer together",
said the cameraman. Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "HE SAYS
SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE". So, they wiggled up close to each other.
"Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little,"
said the photographer. Yet again - "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "HE
SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!" With a big grin the deaf twin shouted out,
"OH MY GOD - BOTH OF US?
We Share Everything
A young man saw an elderly couple sitting
down to lunch at McDonald's. He noticed that they had ordered one meal,
and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the older gentleman carefully
divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him,
one for her, until each had half of them. Then the old man poured half
of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife.
The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands
folded in her lap. The young man decided to ask if they would allow him
to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split
theirs. The old gentleman said, "Oh, no. We've been married 50
years, and everything has always been and will always be shared,
50/50." The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat,
and she replied, "Not yet. It's his turn with the teeth."
An elderly gentleman went to the local drug
store and asked the pharmacist for Viagra. The pharmacist said
"That's no problem. How many do you want?" The man replied,
"Just a few, maybe a half dozen, but can you cut each one into four
pieces?" The pharmacist said, "That's too small a dose. That
won't get you through sex." The gentleman said, "Oh, that's
all right. I'm past eighty years old, and I don't even think about sex
anymore. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my
couple was lying in bed one night . The husband was falling asleep but the
wife felt romantic and wanted to talk. She said, "You used to hold my hand
when we were courting." Wearily, he reached across, held her hand for a
second and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said, "Then
you used to kiss me." Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck
on the cheek and settled down to sleep. Thirty seconds later she said,
"Then you use to bite my neck." Angrily, he threw back the bed covers and
got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she asked. "To get my teeth!
Son the Veterinarian
Son the Veterinarian Submitted by HeadLaugher on 2004-07-08 18:59 Every Sunday,
a little old lady placed $2,000 in the collection plate. This went on for weeks
until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her. "Ma'am, I
couldn't help but notice that you put $2,000 a week in the collection
plate," he stated. "Why, yes," she replied, "every week my
son sends me money, and what I don't need, I give to the church." The
pastor replied, "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?" The
old lady said, "Oh, $20,000 a week." The pastor was amazed.
"Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?" ?He?s a
veterinarian," she answered. "That's a very honorable
profession," the pastor says. "Where does he practice?" The old
lady said proudly, "Well, he has two cat houses in Las Vegas and one in
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly
shut-ins, I used to take my four-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds.
She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age,
particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her
staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself
for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered,
"The tooth fairy will never believe this!"
21. The Funeral
old man, Mr. Goldstein, was living the last of his life in a nursing home.
One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked if
there was anything wrong. "Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr.
Goldstein, "My private part died today, and I am very sad."
Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she
replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Goldstein, please accept my
condolences." The following day, Mr. Goldstein was walking down the
hall with his private part hanging out of his pajamas, when he met Nurse
Tracy. "Mr. Goldstein," she said, "You shouldn't be walking
down the hall like that. Please put your private part back inside your
pajamas." "But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Goldstein,
"I told you yesterday that my private part died." "Yes, you
did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?" asked
Nurse Tracy. "Well," he replied. "Today's the
20. The Fashion
who was vacationing in the Bahamas with a group from the Senior Citizen
Home couldn't seem to make it with any of the ladies. So he asked the
local lifeguard for some advice. "Mate, it's obvious," says the
lifeguard, "you're wearing them old baggy swimming trunks that make
ya look like an old geezer. They're years outta style. Your best bet is to
grab yourself a pair of Speedos - about two sizes too small - and drop a
fist-sized potato down inside 'em. I'm tellin' ya man... you'll have all
the babes ya want!" The following weekend, Patrick hits the beach
with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato. Everybody
on the beach was disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning
away, laughing, looking sick! So he went back to the lifeguard again and
asked him, "What's wrong now?" "Damn, Mate!" said the
lifeguard, "The potato goes in front!!"
24 Hours To Live
returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him
that he has only 24 hours to live. Given the prognosis, Morris asks his
wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, so they make love. About 6 hours
later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey, you know I now
have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?" Of
course, the wife agrees, and they do it again. Later, as the man gets into
bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left.
He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, "Honey, please... just one
more time before I die." She says, "Of course, Dear," and
they make love for the third time. After this session, the wife rolls over
and falls to sleep. Morris, however, worried about his impending, tosses
and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses.
"Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could..." At
this point the wife sits up and says, "Listen Morris, I have to get
up in the morning... you don't."
little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she
walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex."
She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she
said, "Supersex." He sat silently for a moment or two and finally
answered, "I'll take the soup."
92, and Sylvia, 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. They
go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore.
Jake suggests they go in. Jake addresses the man
behind the counter: "Are you the owner?" The pharmacist answers
"Yes". Jake: "We're about to get
married. Do you sell heart medication?" Pharmacist: "Of course we
do." Jake: "How about medicine for
circulation?" Pharmacist: "All kinds." Jake:
"Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis? " Pharmacist:
"Definitely." Jake: "How about
Viagra?" Pharmacist: "Of course." Jake:
"Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?" Pharmacist:
"Yes, a large variety. The works." Jake:
"What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's
disease?" Pharmacist: "Absolutely." Jake:
"You sell wheelchairs and walkers?" Pharmacist: "All speeds and
sizes." Finally satisfied, Jake says to the pharmacist: "OK, we'd
like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."
elderly man goes into his doctors office for an annual physical. After a while,
the doctor comes out and says, "I'm sorry Bill, but we have discovered you
have a condition which only allows you another 6 weeks to live." "But
Doctor," Bill replied, "I feel great. I haven't felt better in years.
This just can't be true. Isn't there anything I can do?" After a moment
the doctor said, "Well, you might start going down the street to that new
health spa and take a mud bath every day." Excitedly Bill asked, "And
that will cure me?" "No," replied the doctor, "but it will
get you used to the dirt."
after the 911 emergency number became available in her town, an elderly and
quite ill lady appeared in a hospital emergency room, having driven herself to
the hospital and barely managing to stagger in from the parking lot. The
horrified nurse said, "Why didn't you call the 911 number and get an
ambulance?" The lady said, "My phone doesn't have an eleven."
The Wrong Way
As a senior citizen
was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard
his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the
news that there's a car going the wrong way on I95. Please be
careful!" "Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one
car. It's hundreds of them!"
The New Hat
There was a little old lady standing at a
corner. She had both hands holding her hat on while the wind blew her
dress up around her waist. A dignified southern gentleman came up and
said, "Ma'am, you should be ashamed of yourself, letting your skirt
blow around, being indecent, while both hands hold your hat." She
said, "Look mister, everything down there is seventy years old;
this hat is brand new!"
What's Her Name?
elderly gent was invited to his old friends' home for dinner one
evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to
his wife with endearing terms-Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart,
Pumpkin, etc... The couple had been married almost 70 years, and clearly
they were still very much in love. While the wife was in the kitchen,
the man leaned over and said to his host, "I think it's wonderful
that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet
names." The old man hung his head. "I have to tell you the
truth," he said, "I forgot her name about 10 years ago."
In pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and a generic
name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol has a generic name of acetaminophen.
Aleve is also called naproxen. Amoxil is also called amoxicillin
and Advil is also called ibuprofen. The FDA has been looking for a
generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of
government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the
generic name of mycoxafloppin. Also considered were mycoxafailin,
mydixadrupin, mydixarizin, mydixadud, dixafix,
and of course, ibepokin.
An eighty-year-old man was having an annual physical. As the
doctor was listening to his heart with the stethoscope, he began
muttering, "Oh oh!" The man asked the doctor, "What's the problem?"
"Well," said the doc, "you have a serious heart murmur. Do you
smoke?" "No," replied the man. "Do you drink in excess?" "No."
replied the man. "Do you have a sex life?" "Yes, I do!" "Well," said
the doc, "I'm afraid with this heart murmur, you'll have to give up
half your sex life." Looking perplexed, the old man said, "Which
half - the looking or the thinking?"
guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around Home
Depot when they collide. The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry
about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying
attention to where I was going." The young guy says, "That's OK.
It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her
and I'm getting desperate." The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can
help each other. What does your wife look like?" The young guys
says, "Well, she is 27 yrs. old, with red hair, blue eyes, long
legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts. What does
your wife look like?" The old guy says, "Doesn't matter none son....
let's look for yours first."
8. Be Careful
An old man gets on a crowded bus and no one gives him a seat. As
the bus shakes and rattles, the old man's cane slips on the floor
and he falls. As he gets up, a thirteen-year-old kid, sitting
nearby, turns to him and says, "If you put a little rubber thingy on
the end of your stick, it wouldn't slip." The old man snaps back,
"Well, if your daddy did the same thing thirteen years ago, I would
have a seat today."
7. Clever Old Man
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he
hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five
gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he
heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he
saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. He
made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep
end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until
you leave!" The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch
you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."
Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
Moral of the story: Old men can still think fast.
6. The New Baby
With the help of a fertility specialist, a 65-year old woman has a
baby. All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of
their family. When they ask to see the baby, the 65-year old mother
says, "not yet." A little later they ask to see the baby again.
Again the mother says, "not yet." Finally they say, "When can we see
the baby?" And the mother says, "When the baby cries." And they ask,
"Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?" The new mother says,
"because I forgot where I put it."
5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his
toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said,
"Grandma, how come you don't have a boy friend now that Grandpa went to
heaven?" Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my
bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel
good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my
boyfriend." Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible.
She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus.
Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the
problem. The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open
the door, and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, "Hello,
son, is your Grandma home?" The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the
bedroom bangin' her boyfriend." The minister fainted.
4. The Tooth Fairy
While working for an organization
that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my
4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. The various appliances
of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs,
unfailingly intrigued her. One day I found her staring at a pair of
false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the
inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered,
"The tooth fairy will never believe this!"
A Husband and wife have a bitter
quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary! The husband
yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: "Here
Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever " "Yeah?" she replies. "When you die,
I'm getting you a headstone that reads: "Here Lies My Husband -
Stiff At Last"
tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway
when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a
handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches on. After about 15
minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another
handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times. When
she is about to hand him another batch again, he asks the little old
lady, “Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?” “We can't chew
them because we have no teeth,” she replied. The puzzled driver asks,
“Why do you buy them then?” The old lady replied, “We just love
the chocolate around them.
age 85, and Rebecca age 79 are all excited about their decision to get
married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way go
past a drugstore. Jacob suggests that they go in. He addresses the man
behind the counter: "Are you the owner?" The pharmacist answers,
"Yes." Jacob: "Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do." Jacob: "How about medicine
for circulation?" Pharmacist: "All kinds." Jacob:
"Medicine for rheumatism?" Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about Viagra?" Pharmacist: "Of course."
Jacob: "Medicine for memory?" Pharmacist: "Yes, a large
variety." Jacob: "What about vitamins and sleeping pills?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely." Jacob: "Perfect! We'd like to
register here for our wedding gifts."