Philadelphia, PA-- Airports around the country are seeing a sharp increase in visits by old maids and spinsters. The lonely ladies are horny, and can't wait to get in line for that special touch by the TSA employees. Many old maids say they have had their first orgasms, while being prodded and searched. Miss Vicky Smegma is a 59-year old virgin, and visits the Philadelphia Airport at least twice a week for kinky thrills. "I always ask to be frisked by security. It's the only human contact I've ever experienced." said the retired English teacher. Miss Amy Oldfart is another retired English teacher, and sometimes joins Miss Smegma on their perverted excursions to the airport. "I just had my first orgasm!" exclaimed the 81-year old troll. "I declined the electronic strip search, and a big, beefy TSA employee came out. He touched me in places that I never knew I had." she said. "What a wonderful way to spend retirement." said the sexually satisfied Miss Oldfart. "This is much more fun then gambling or Bingo!"

Over-70s only! Manchester opens playground for oldies
The UK's first playground specifically for older people has opened near Manchester. The "older people's play area" in Dam Head Park, Blackley, in north Manchester, features six pieces of equipment - featuring the slogan "Never too old to play" - designed to provide gentle exercise. More pictures and full story visit: full story and more photos.

Cinema warns elderly customers over 'juvenile' behaviour
A cinema which screens classic films for pensioners has warned their elderly customers about their "unacceptable and juvenile" behaviour. full story.
Reported by: Blair Shorney
 

Only in New York...

Two men wheeled a dead man through the streets in an office chair to a check-cashing store and tried to cash his Social Security check before being arrested on fraud charges, police said. ( more )

Detectives lead David Dalaia, right, and James O'Hare, backround in glasses, both 65, from the Midtown North police precinct, Wednesday, Jan. 9, 2008, in New York. (AP Photo/ Louis Lanzano)

Your Never Too Old:
An 88-year-old Cambridgeshire man has starred in his first ballet after taking up dance at the age of 79. John Lowe, of Witchford, took up dancing after his daughter Alison become a professional dancer, reports the BBC. The retired teacher said: "It's a wonderful thing to do and I can't understand why more men don't do it." Mr Lowe appeared in the Lantern Dance Theatre Company's performance of Prokofiev's The Stone Flower at The Maltings in Ely on Sunday. "I went to a dance school in the high street in Ely and asked if I could do tap and ballet and they said 'well of course you can' and I've been doing it ever since," said the grandfather of 11. "I've got a rope at home that I use to pull my leg up higher. I'm lucky that I don't have any problem with the routines but that's because I exercise. I see these people crawling around, hunched over smoking a cigarette - they should be doing ballet."

Medicare May Help Seniors Stop Smoking
Dec. 30, 2005 – The public comment period is now open on a new proposal by Medicare to provide new coverage allowing certain senior citizens covered by Medicare who smoke to receive counseling services that will help them quit the habit.

Photo Creds: Foto Decadent. Model: Natasha Poly. Photographer: Terry Richardson. Magazine: Vogue Paris

Seats or Titties
This Florida delegation of pensioners threaten to take their bras off unless they are seated at the DNC convention.

A German Brothel Offers Senior Citizen Early
Bird Afternoon Discount To Customers 60+
For everyone who thinks there is no sex life after 60, think again. A brothel in the western town of Germany is offering a 50 percent discount to senior citizens for sex in the afternoon, if they come with proof of age. A normal sex session at "Pascha" in the western city of Cologne costs about $67 but senior citizens aged 66, or older, who come between noon and 5 p.m., qualify for the half-price special, the brothel says. Local media quoted the spokesman for the brothel's managing director Armin Lobscheid as saying, "All clients need to do is show us some proof of age. We don't earn as much money, but we're establishing ourselves across a broader range of age groups." Saying, "older folks are more active than you think," the spokesperson added that the new offer has definitely raised the number of older people visiting them.

Government research studies show that Senior Citizens are the nations leading carriers of Aids!

The report, published by the U.S. Administration on Aging (AoA) shows that senior citizens are the leading carriers of Hearing Aids, Band Aids, Rol Aids, Walking Aids, Medical Aids, Government Aids, and most of all, monetary aid to their kids.

Pillsbury Doughboy Dead at 71
It is with the saddest heart I pass on the following. Please join me in remembering a great icon. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a servere yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours. Long-time friend, Aunt Jemima, delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was never considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, even still he was a crusty old man and was considered a roll model for millions. Toward the end, it was thought he would rise again, but alas, he had reached his expiration date. Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough; two children, John Dough and Jane Dough; plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

Pet Therapy in Nursing Homes
The New York Times, August 15, 2007- Barbara Farling, therapeutic recreation consultant for the State Department of Health Services says "Elderly people checking into nursing homes around the state are finding more than a clean bed, a friendly nurse and companionship. Now there's a real trend toward pet-therapy programs for the elderly because it works. People need to be needed and animals need people.'' Editors Note - Ever since they adopted Bubba the boa, some of the other pets in the program seem to have disappeared.

Just Hanging Around
Yuan Mengxin, 65, reads a book with his legs crossed around a iron pole (left) in the People's Square in Wudi County, east China's Shandong Province, July 4, 2006. He started doing his special morning exercise last spring, and has since developed it into a unique feat. He also hangs himself upside down on a iron bar with three elderly men clinging to him.