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I was walking down fifth avenue
today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but
I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I
realized I would want to be taught a lesson. |
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When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I
relaized the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to
forgive me. |
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Retirement Planning Advice
If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one
year ago, it would now be worth $49.00. With Enron, you would have had
$16.50 left of the original $1000.00. With WorldCom, you would have had
less than $5.00 left. If you had purchased $1000 of Delta Air Lines
stock you would have $49.00 left. But, if you had purchased $1,000.00
worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans
for the aluminum recycling REFUND, you would have had $214.00. Based on
the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and
recycle. |
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“As you grow old, you lose
interest in sex, your friends drift away and your children often ignore
you. There are other advantages
of course, but these are the outstanding ones.” |
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"If people
concentrated on the really important things in life, there'd be a
shortage of fishing poles." |
Warning! - NEVER
UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES
take
a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. |
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"These days, I spend a lot
of time thinking about the hereafter.
I go somewhere to get something... then wonder what I'm here after." |
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The only two things
we do with greater frequency when we get older
is urinate and attend funerals. |
Do you realize that in about
40 years, we'll have thousands of old
ladies running around with tattoos? |
The
Golden years are here at last.
I cannot see, I cannot pee.
I cannot chew, I cannot screw.
My memory shrinks, my hearing stinks.
No sense of smell, I look like hell.
The Golden years have come at last.
The Golden years can kiss my ass. |
Why do
they give you a watch when you retire
when it's the first time in your life you don't care what time it is?
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"I was
thinking about how people seem to read the
Bible a whole lot more as they get older.
Then it dawned on me . . . they're cramming
for their final exam."
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"I've seen it all, done it all, heard it all. I just can't remember it
all!" |
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"You know you're getting old when..
An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee!
You and your teeth don't sleep together anymore.
"Your mind
not only wanders. Sometimes it leaves completely."
All the names in your black book have M.D. after them."
"Getting a little action" means I don't need fiber today"
"Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.
My teeth are my own.
I have the receipt.
The candles cost more
than the cake.
Your
back goes out more than you! |
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Employment applications always ask
who to notify in case
of an emergency. I think you should write 'A Good
Doctor' or '911'
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"If your parents
never had children, chances are you won't either."
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Old age comes at a
bad time. |
Here are some good
things that
happen as you grow older
Your investment in health
insurance is finally beginning to pay off!
Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
It's harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.
If you've never smoked, you can start now and it won't have time to hurt
you.
Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them,
either!!
Your eyes won't get much worse.
Things you buy now don't have time to wear out.
And, one of the best advantages of being old. |
