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April 13, 2013


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With age comes wisdom...

Here are some good things that happen as you get older:
"Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off even
though you are now looking for
universal life insurance quotes!"




I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I relaized the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
Retirement Planning Advice If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00. With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1000.00. With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left. If you had purchased $1000 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have $49.00 left. But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND, you would have had $214.00. Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.
“As you grow old, you lose interest in sex, your friends drift away and your children often ignore you. There are other advantages of course, but these are the outstanding ones.”
"If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there'd be a shortage of fishing poles."
take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
"These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter.
I go somewhere to get something... then wonder what I'm here after."
The only two things we do with greater frequency when we get older is urinate and attend funerals.
Why do they give you a watch when you retire
when it's the first time in your life you don't care what time it is?
The Golden years are here at last.
I cannot see, I cannot pee.
I cannot chew, I cannot screw.
My memory shrinks, my hearing stinks.
No sense of smell, I look like hell.
The Golden years have come at last.
The Golden years can kiss my ass.
"I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me . . . they're cramming for their final exam."
Employment applications always ask who to notify in case
of an emergency. I think you should write 'A Good Doctor' or '911'
Here are some good things that happen as you grow older
Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off!
Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
It's harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.
If you've never smoked, you can start now and it won't have time to hurt you.
Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them, either!!
Your eyes won't get much worse.
Things you buy now don't have time to wear out.
And, one of the best advantages of being old.
"I've seen it all, done it all, heard it all. I just can't remember it all!"
"If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either."
"You know you're getting old when..
An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee!
You and your teeth don't sleep together anymore.
"Your mind not only wanders. Sometimes it leaves completely."
All the names in your black book have M.D. after them."
"Getting a little action" means I don't need fiber today"
"Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.
My teeth are my own. I have the receipt.
The candles cost more than the cake.
Your back goes out more than you!



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