Husband: "When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control

your anger?
Wife: "I clean the toilet."
Husband: "How does that help?"
Wife: "I use your toothbrush." 

I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, at least I still have my driver's license.

Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

Medical Observation

While making his rounds with a group of medical students, the doctor draws their attention to an x-ray.

"As is clearly visible on the x-ray, the patient limps because her right fibula and tibia are radically arched. Simone, what would you do in a case like this?"

"Well sir," says Simone, pondering the question, "I guess I'd limp too."

A distraught patient telephoned her doctor's office.

"Doctor, it is true that I am to take the medication you prescribed for the rest of my life?" she asked.

"Yes, I'm afraid so," replied the doctor.

The woman remained silent for a few moments and then continued, "I'm wondering then, just how serious is my condition? This prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'!"

A row of bottles on my shelf
Caused me to analyze myself.
One yellow pill I have to pop
Goes to my heart so it won't stop.
A little white one that I take
Goes to my hands so they won't shake.
The blue ones that I use a lot
Tell me I'm happy when I'm not.
The purple pill goes to my brain
And tells me that I have no pain.
The capsules tell me not to wheeze
Or cough or choke or even sneeze.
The red ones, smallest of them all
Go to my blood so I won't fall.
The orange ones, very big and bright
Prevent my leg cramps in the night.
Such an array of brilliant pills
Helping to cure all kinds of ills.
But what I'd really like to know...........
Is what tells each one where to go!


Frequently Asked Questions from the Etch-A-Sketch Help Desk:

Q : My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen.
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I create a New Document window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same colour?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A: Don't shake it.

IT Technical Support Team

Retirement Qs and As

Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep in his chair.

Question: Why don't retirees mind being called seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10 percent discount.

Question: Among retirees, what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.

Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
Answer: NUTS!

Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic, or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.

Question:What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal.

Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back toschool as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

Walking can add minutes to your life.  This enables you at 85 years old

  to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing  home at $7000 per month.

 My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60.

 Now he's 97 years old  and we don't know where the hell he is.

 I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

 The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing      again.  

 I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing..


 Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise'  I wash my mouth out with chocolate..
 I do have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

 The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die,  they'll say, 

 ‘Well, she looks good doesn't she.'

  If you are going to try cross-country skiing,  start with a small country.

  I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years,... just getting over the hill.

  We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information

  in our heads.

  That's my story and I'm sticking to it.


 Every time I start thinking too much  about how I look, I just find a Happy Hour 

 and by the time I leave, I look just fine.


With  all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a  65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was  discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to  visit.

'May  I see the new baby?' I asked

'Not  yet,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while  first.'

Thirty  minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'  

'No,  not yet,' She said.

After  another few minutes had elapsed,

I  asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'

'No,  not yet,' replied my friend.

Growing very impatient, I  asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?'

'WHEN HE CRIES!'  she told me.

'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded. 'Why do I have  to wait until he CRIES?'


Sometimes I feel old enough to be my own father.

Age always corresponds inversely to the size of your multi-vitamin.

At my age it's not a good idea to lie down for too long.

My wife and I take turns at oral sex... First she talks about it, then I talk about it, then she talks about it again, then I... I was really ticked off the other night when I lost out on winning the pub Trivia quiz by one point. The question was, "Where do women mostly have curly hair?"  Apparently it's Africa.

 Buy Police costumes and other Halloween costumes at Pure Costumes.
They have lots of funny costumes and sexy cotumes too.