Posted
Tuesday, March 9, 2010. A Special Tribute to Michael Jackson.
Posted
Monday, March 8, 2010.
Posted
Sunday, March 7, 2010.
Posted
Friday, March 5, 2010. Happiness is a Popsicle.
Posted
Tuesday, March 2, 2010.
The local news station was interviewing an 80 year old lady,
because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The
interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it
felt like to be marrying again at 80 and then about her new
husband's occupation! "He's a funeral director," she
answered. "Interesting," the newsman thought. He then asked her
if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three
husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few
moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a
short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly,
explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in
her early 20s, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40s, and a
preacher when in her 60s, and now in her 80s, a funeral
director. Astonished, the interviewer looked at her and asked,
"Why did you marry four men with such diverse careers?" She
smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the
show, three to get ready and four to go."
Posted
Monday, March 1, 2010.
Posted
Thursday, February 25, 2010.
Posted
Saturday, February 20, 2010.
Posted Friday, February 19, 2010.
Posted
Wednesday, February 17, 2010.
Posted
Wednesday, February 10, 2010. Don't mess with us seniors.
What's For Sale? Two
young businessmen in Florida were
sitting down for a break in their
soon-to-be new store in the shopping
mall. As yet, the store wasn't ready,
with only a few shelves and display
racks set up. One said to the
other, "I'll bet that any minute now
some senior is going to walk by, put his
face to the window, and ask what we're
selling." Sure enough, just a moment
later, a curious senior gentleman walked
up to the window, looked around
intensely and rapped on the glass, then
in a loud voice asked, "What are you
sellin' here?" One of the men replied
sarcastically, "We're selling
ass-holes." Without skipping a beat, the
old timer said, "You're doing well, only
two left."
Posted
Saturday,
February 7, 2010.
Bartender, There's a Fly In My
Beer:
A millionaire, a hard hat, and an old drunk
are at a bar. When they get their beers,
they notice a fly in each mug. The
millionaire politely asks the bartender for
another beer, then proceeds to sip it. The
hard hat spills out just enough to get rid
of the fly and quaffs the rest. It's now the
old drunk's turn. He sticks his hand into
the beer, grabs the fly by the wings, and
shouts, "Spit it out! Spit it out!"
senior citizen humor
"Senior Citizen Humor" is brought to you by
caregivers, companions, home health
aides for elderly in new york
Tuesday,
3/9/10
I got separated from my wife at the mall today so I approached a very beautiful
young gal and said, "I've lost my wife here in the mall... can you talk to me
for a couple of minutes?" The woman looked puzzled and said, "Why do you want to
talk to me?" "Because every time I talk to a beautiful young woman like you, my
wife appears out of nowhere!"
Monday,
3/8/10
My grandson came over to me today and asked me, "Grandpa, why don't chicken
breasts have nipples?" I scratched my head and thought, "Well honestly son...
beats the shit out of me!" Can anyone help me out there. I'm clueless. While
we're on the subject of chicken anatomy, exactly what part of the chicken do the
nuggets come from? Hope it isn't what I think 'cause I really enjoy those little
things.
Friday,
3/5/10
I learned today that there is a way of transferring funds that is even faster
than electronic banking. It's called marriage.
■
My wife and I were lying in bed last night. I was feeling
a little frisky so I ran my hands slowly across her body. I whispered to her,
"I'm gonna make you the happiest woman in the world." She whispered back to me,
"I'll miss you." Have a nice weekend.
Thursday,
3/4/10
Have you seen the Prune Juice sitcom comic strip yet?
Coincidentally, its lead character is
named Arthur. He's sly... grouchy... cynical, and these are his good points. Actually
there is a loving side to Arthur... loving golf, loving fishing, and loving a
good cigar! Visit Prune Juice Comics.
Tuesday,
3/2/10
Some thoughts for today - When I was younger I used to go "Skinny Dipping," now
I just take what I call a "Chunky Dunk."
■
When I signed up for exercise class
last week I was told to wear loose fitting clothing. I told them that if I had
any loose fitting clothes I wouldn't have signed up in the first place. And my
final thought for today... Brain cells come and go, but fat cells seem to live
forever.
Monday,
3/1/10
I've often been asked, 'What do you do now that you're retired?' Well.. I'm
fortunate enough to have a chemical engineering background, and one of the
things I really enjoy most is turning beer, wine, Scotch, and manhattans into
urine. And I'm pretty damn good at it, too!!
Friday,
2/26/10 Sorry, I forgot to go to
work yesterday. Some people try to turn back their body's odometers. Not me, I
want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long long way and
some of those roads weren't always paved. If anyone tell you you look old...
squash their toes with your rocker! ■
My grandson told me today that I was so bald it looks like
my neck is blowing a bubble. Have a nice weekend folks.
Wednesday, 2/24/10
I have no respect for gangs today. They just drive
by and shoot people. At least back in the old days, like in West Side Story, the
gangs used to dance with each other first.
Tuesday, 2/23/10
I just received a jury-duty notice in the mail this
morning so I called the clerk's office and told them that because I was 80 years
old I was exempt. The guy that answered the call said... "Well, you have to come
in and fill out an Exemption Form anyway." "I've already done that last year," I
said to him. "Well, you have to do it every year" he shot back. "Why... do you
think I am getting younger?" I told him.
Saturday, 2/20/10
Last week I bought my wife a nice mood ring for her birthday. When she's in a
good mood it turns green. When she's in a bad mood, it leaves a red mark on my
forehead. ■
I've learned the most
effective way to remember your wife's birthday... is to forget it once. Have a
nice weekend.
Thursday, 2/18/10
I finally went to the gym today. After I changed into my clothes, I went to the
exercise area. Along one wall I noticed a silver bar that was not in use, and
decided to try my hand at chin-ups. I managed to strain through two chin-ups
before the instructor came over to me. Smiling politely, he said, "Mr. Ritis, if you want to let go of the coat
rack and follow me, I'll be glad to help you get started."
That wouldn't have happened if it were winter time.
Wednesday, 2/17/10
Almost got in big trouble yesterday. My wife went through my checkbook and saw
my entry for "$100 for hookers." She said "Have you been buying more fishing
equipment again?" ■
I joined a health club last month. I spent about 400 bucks. Ya
know something, I haven't lost a pound... Apparently you have to go there
to.
Monday, 2/15/10
My wife can never balance her checkbook, so I made a deal with her; I would look at it, but only
after she had spent a few hours trying to wrestle it into shape. The
following night, after spending hours poring over stubs and figures, she
said to me proudly, "Arthur... I've done it! I made it balance!" I was impressed, I came
over to take a look. "Let's see... mortgage 550.00, electricity 70.50,
phone 35.00." My brow wrinkled as I read the last entry. "It says here
ESP, $615. What the heck is that?" I said to her "Oh," she said, "That means, Error
Some Place!" Gotta love 'em.
Saturday, 2/13/10
I forgot to mention that I went to doc Weiser for my annual physical last week.
While listening to my
heart with his stethoscope, he muttered
to me, "Uh, oh!" "What is it doctor," I said. "Well, did you know
you have a
serious heart murmur. Do you
smoke?" he asked. "Nope, never have,"
I said. "Do you drink excessively?" "Nope, never touch the
stuff," I told him. "What
about sex? Do you have a sex life?" "Yes, I do!" I said nervously. "Well,"
he said, "I'm
afraid that with this heart
murmur, you're going to have to
give up half of your sex life." "Which half would that be,
doctor ... the thinking or the
looking?" ■
Have a great weekend.
