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Sunday, 8/22/10
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days
interesting. Well, for example, the other day I went downtown and into a shop. I
was only there for about 5 minutes, and when I came out there was a cop writing
out a parking ticket. I said to him, "Come on, man, how about giving a retired
person a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a
"Nazi." He glared at me and wrote another ticket for having worn tires. So I
called him a "doughnut-eating Gestapo." He finished the second ticket and put it
on the windshield with the first. Then he wrote a third ticket. This went on for
about 20 minutes. The more I abused him the more tickets he wrote. Personally, I
didn't care. I came downtown on the bus, and the car that he was putting the
tickets on had a bumper sticker that said "Guliani in '08." I try to have a
little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important.
Saturday, 7/03/10
My wife looked at me the other day and said "Your getting fat Arthur!" I told
her I'd like to get a second opinion. She said "Step on the scale."
Monday, 6/07/10
Why did Bernie Madoff go to prison?
To make it simple, he talked people into investing with him.
Trouble was, he didn't invest their money. As time rolled on, he
simply took the money from the new investors to pay off the old
investors. Finally, there were too many old investors and not enough money from new investors coming in to keep the
payments going. Next thing you know, Madoff is one of the most hated men in America and he is off to jail. Too few people realize this, but Madoff did to his investors what the government has
been doing to us with Social Security. When
benefits for older investors become due the politicians pay them with money
taken from younger and newer wage earners to pay us old geezers. There is no meaningful difference between the two schemes, except that one was operated by a private individual who is
now in jail, and the other is operated by politicians who enjoy perks, privileges and status in spite of their actions.
Tuesday, 6/01/10
Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching the TV when I heard my wife's' voice from the kitchen. What would you like for dinner my love? chicken, beef or lamb? I said, Thank you, I'll have chicken." She replied, "You're having soup, asshole. I was talking to the DOG."
Tuesday, 5/25/10
I passed by what looked like a nice Mexican restaurant. There was one problem...
it was closed. So I jotted down the name of the restaurant "Lunes Cerrado" which
was on the door. When I got home I told my wife about the nice Mexican
restaurant I seen and showed her the name I jotted down. She said "You old fool,
that's Spanish for 'closed on Mondays."
Tuesday, 5/04/10
My wife and I just got back from Sea World in Orlando. Why the hell do they have
a seafood restaurant there? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh
my gosh... I could be eating a slow learner. Anyway, we stayed at a really nice,
really fancy Hilton hotel nearby. The towels there were so thick and plush, I
could hardly get my suitcase shut.
Thursday, 4/22/10
My wife and I take turns at oral sex... First she talks about it, then I talk
about it, then she talks about it again, then I...
I was really
ticked off the other night when I lost out on winning the pub
Trivia
Quiz by one
point. The question was, "Where do women mostly have curly hair?"
Apparently it's Africa.
Friday, 4/16/10
Don't you just hate weddings? I used to hate them (I'm married now) because
the old folks would always poke me and say "Arthur your next." So I started
doing the same thing to them... at funerals.
Wednesday, 4/14/10
My wife asked me, "How many women have you slept
with?" I said, "Only you, Darling - With all the others, I was awake." The
hospital visiting hours are 10 am to 4 PM.
Saturday, 4/10/10
The weather is finally starting to get a little nicer
here in New York. It's Spring Time. I'm so happy I wet my plants. I feels so
nice out, I think I'll leave it out.
Tuesday, 4/6/10
I was driving back from the grocery store today and passed this big
billboard down the road that said "Learn To Read." I laughed to myself... Who is
this sign meant for anyway? My doctor advised me to start walking
some more. I told him "You know how much my car payments are every month? "I'm
driving!" I told him.
Saturday, 4/3/10
I asked my wife what she'd like
for her 80th birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she said. So on the morning
of her birthday, I got her up bright and early and off we went to a local theme
park. What a day! I put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the
Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything there was! Wow! Five hours later
she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside
down. I took her to McDonald's and ordered her a Happy Meal along with extra
fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then, it was off to a movie - the latest
Disney and what a fabulous adventure! Finally, she wobbled home and collapsed
into bed. I leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, honey, what was it like being
six again?" One eye opened. "I meant my dress size you old idiot." I'm in the
dog house again.
Wednesday,
3/31/10
You know all that Social Security they keep
taking out of your paycheck? Guess what... It's
going to me every month. Retirement is so great. I just love being my own boss.
Coming honey.
Tuesday,
3/30/10
My wife and I just recently celebrated our 50th
wedding anniversary. She still has that new wife smell. Yesterday is history.
Tomorrow is a mystery. And today? Today is a gift. That's why we call it the
present. One more for ya... There are three ingredients in the good life:
learning, earning, and yearning. I'm adding a fourth, sleeping. It don't rhyme
but it's important.
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