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The new boots - An elderly couple, Margaret and Charles, are in California. Charles always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into the house and says to his wife: "Notice anything different about me?" Margaret looks him over, "Nope." Frustrated Charles storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "notice anything different NOW?" Margaret looks up and says, "Charles, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow. Furious, Charles yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?" "Nope". She replies. IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!" To which Margaret replies, "YA SHOULDA BOUGHT A HAT!"

Sperm Count - A 75-year-old man went to the doctor's office to get a sperm count. The Doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow." The next day, the 75-year-old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as the previous day. The doctor asks what happened, and the man explains, "Well, Doc, it's like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, but nothing. Then with her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with her teeth in, then with he teeth out, and still nothing. Hell, we even called up the lady next door, and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing." The doctor was shocked. "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldn't get that damn jar opened!"

Streakin' at the Nursing Home - A couple of old ladies are sitting on the patio in a nursing home. Both are bored. "Mabel, nothing happens here, all the men are half-dead and no fun!" "Doris, I agree. Let's do something that will jerk them into action!" So Mabel agrees to streak down the corridor and attract the attention of the old men that are sitting there sunning themselves. She does this and the following conversation insues between Harold and Humphrey... "Humphrey, old boy, was that Mabel that I saw running past?..." "Hmm, I think so. Couldn't say for sure. My eyes aren't too good these days." "What was she wearing?" "Hmm, couldn't say for sure, but whatever it was it was in need of ironing!"

What's good for constipation - Old Aunt Cora went to her doctor to see what could be done about her troublesome constipation. "It's terrible," she said to the doctor. "I haven't moved my bowels in more than a week." "I see. Have you done anything about it?" asked the doctor. "Oh, yes," Aunt Cora replied, "I sit in the bathroom for a good half of an hour in the morning and then again at night." "No," the doctor said, "I mean do you take anything?" "Of course I do." she answered, "I take a magazine."

Doctor's orders - An elderly woman went to the doctor for a check up. After examining her and checking her cardiovascular activity, the doctor recommended that she engage in sexual activity three times a week. Embarrassed, the woman asked the doctor to tell her husband. The doctor went out into the waiting room and told the husband that his wife needed sex three times a week. The elderly husband replied, "OK, Doc. Which days? "Monday, Wednesday and Friday would be ideal," replied the doctor. "Well, I can bring her on Monday and Wednesday," the husband said, "but on Fridays, she'll have to take a taxi."

Up at 9:00 sharp - Three old men are sitting on the porch of a retirement home. The first says, "Fellas, I got real problems. I'm seventy years old. Every morning at seven o'clock I get up and I try to urinate. All day long I try to urinate. They give me all kinds of medicine but nothing helps." The second old man says, "You think you have problems. I'm eighty years old. Every morning at 8:00 I get up and try to move my bowels. I try all day long. They give me all kinds of stuff but nothing helps." Finally the third old man speaks up, "Fellas: I'm ninety years old. Every morning at 7:00 sharp I urinate. Every morning at 8:00 I move my bowels. Every morning at 9:00 sharp I wake up."

Forgot Where I Live - A ninety-four-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a young man walks by and asks him what's wrong.  Through his tears the old man answers, "I'm in love with a twenty-two-year-old woman." "What's wrong with that?" asks the young man. Between his sobs and sniffles, he answers, "You don't understand. Every morning before she goes to work, we make love.  At lunch time she comes home and we make love again, and then she makes my favorite meal.  In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home and gives me oral sex, the best an old man could want.  And then at supper time, and all night long, we make love."  He breaks down, no longer able to speak. The young man puts his arm around him. "I don't understand. It sounds like you have the perfect relationship. Why are you crying?" The senile old man answers, again through his tears, "I forgot where I live."

Safety First - Patty is visiting her father Ralph at the nursing home. ’I’ve been sleeping really well these past few weeks,’ Ralph says. ’Why?’ Patty asks. ‘Have the nurses been giving you something to help you sleep?’ ’Yes,’ Ralph says. ‘Every night I’m given an glass of warm milk and viagra.’ ’Why are they giving you viagra?’ she asks. ’I don’t know,’ Ralph says. Patty finds a nurse down the hall and asks to know more about their sleeping aids. ’The warm milk helps him sleep,’ the nurse says. ’But why the viagra?’ Patty asks. ’Oh,’ the nurse says. ‘That just keeps him from rolling out of bed.

Darn Nursing Home Staff - After deciding that their frail, elderly mother can no longer live alone, a family brings her to a nursing home, hoping she’ll be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe the old woman, feed her a tasty breakfast, and sit her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems fine, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems fine, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning. Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask. "It’s pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won’t let you fart."

What Was My Name? -President George W. Bush decides it is time to do some public relations at a local Washington DC nursing home. The President begins his "tour" down the main hallway and passes by a little old man who doesn’t seem to notice him. Sensing this, President Bush backtracks to the resident and asks, "Do you know who I am?" The little old man looks up from his walker and says, "No, but if you go to the front desk, they will tell you your name."

Holiday Inn Alternative - With the average cost for a nursing home reaching over $300.00 per day, there is a better way to spend our savings, when we get old and feeble. I have already checked on reservations at the Holiday Inn for a combined long term stay discount and a senior discount. It comes to only $90.00 per night. That leaves $210.00 a day for: Breakfast, lunch and dinner in any restaurant I want, or room service. Laundry, gratuities and special TV movies. Plus, they provide a swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge, washer, dryer, etc. They treat you like a customer, not a patient and $5 worth of tips a day will have the entire staff scrambling to help you. There is city Bus stop out front, and seniors ride free. It takes months to get into decent nursing homes. Holiday Inn will take your reservation today. And - you are not stuck in one place forever, you can move from Inn to Inn, or even from city to city. TV broken? Light bulbs need changing? Need a mattress replaced? No problem. They fix everything, and apologize for the inconvenience. The Inn has a night security person and daily room service. The maid checks to see if you are OK. If not, they will call the undertaker or an ambulance. If you fall and break a hip, Medicare will pay for the hip, and Holiday Inn will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life. What more can you ask for?

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